ACOA Characteristic #13

"This impulsiveness leads to confusion, self-loathing and loss of control over their environment."

Frustrated by all of the struggles throughout my undergraduate experience due largely to my alcoholic upbringing, I was excited to graduate and start a new life for myself. I was blessed with the opportunity to take on a graduate program at no cost, live in an apartment by myself, and have no additional demands of my time besides one part-time research position. In short, I had the opportunity for an entire year of worrying about nobody but myself, and the chance to perform to my fullest potential in all areas of my life.

Yet, here I am, 3 months into this wonderful 'year' and I still have boxes to unpack from moving, I'm still not getting enough sleep, still not eating well enough, and still trying desperately to catch up in classes--the work for which I am dreadfully behind. Getting a 56% on my first exam in my Master's program pretty much speaks enough to the truth of the situation.

So what's the problem? Why am I not excelling after shedding all the variables in my life I once credited for holding me back? (Note: these questions do not exist without the passionate feelings of subsequent self-hate...)

After getting pulled aside by my academic adviser last week, it became clear that there are certain inherit elements of my personality and behavior that continue to "confine me," as he said, and will continue to do so....and they all seem to relate to impulsiveness. He kindly, though frankly, pointed out that I have an unsatisfied need for perfection and a desperation to please others. While this relates to other ACOA characteristics, it was how I handled the information that made my impulsive nature became very clear.

I spoke to him about how far behind I was in my classes and that I didn't know how I would ever be able to catch up in a timely manner--yet this did nothing to stop me from tackling the work in the exact same way I hoped to at the start of the semester. I still read every single word, tried to do the homework problems I missed, tried outlining the chapters, etc... While the tasks themselves are those of integrity, they don't make sense given the current situation. After working for two days straight in one subject, I was only frustrated that I still was not caught up--and that my dishes had piled up in the meantime, not to mention the various other housekeeping tasks that went overlooked. Fed up, I turned to some reflective reading where I found the following quote:

"Besides the noble art of getting things done, there is the noble art of leaving things undone. The wisdom of life consists in the elimination of non-essentials." ~Lin Yutang

I realized that my impulsiveness lies in my inability to let anything go. I was unable to let go of the fact that I was unprepared for my exam, and so even after the event is over and done with, I am still trying to perform my original tasks as though I'm attempting to prepare for the exam that I know I already failed! When I realized this, it suddenly made sense as to why my environment seems out-of-control--I've created unnecessary chaos in continually placing all of my effort into one thing and everything at the same time.

What's quite unfortunate is that even though I can now recognize this, I don't know how to change it yet. Though I wish simple recognition of problems magically solved them, I guess life doesn't work that way--I need to take responsibility for my own actions...and my own recovery. As I strive, I've found myself repeating the following quote I learned this past weekend:

"If you always do what you've always done. You'll always get what you always got." ~Yogi Berra

These words have helped me to consider each action I take in any given moment, and the rationalization behind it. Such opportunities allow me to take everything into consideration according to my daily (and only daily) goals. I'm hoping that some of the changes I've made will soon pay off... and not just at a 56% rate...

[[So, this post was not what I originally thought it would be. I am excited to share with you some large recovery steps I've made and how they are helping me. In turn, I'm hoping to blog more often--not something I've "always done" and therefore hoping for different results. Stay tuned... and HOLD ME TO IT!]]

Torn Emotions

I miss blogging...

At the moment, I'm feeling rather jealous because my boyfriend is out "having pizza" with his soccer team after he said earlier that he wouldn't have time to come visit me. Granted, this is completely acceptable and fine (I'm a decent 30 minute drive from him, anyway), and we did not have plans. But let's be real: I'm upset because I'm sure he's having a few beers.

I guess I should restate that as well--for once, I'm not really feeling jealous. I'm more thinking I'm feeling jealous. The difference? My muscles aren't tense, and I don't have the urge to scream. But I wonder why I even care at all.

But then I think about all the times I went to my dad's softball games when I was young. I loved watching him play, and cheering him on, and dancing around when the team won. What I didn't like was getting stuck there till all hours of the night, waiting for the beer to run out. I went as far as dunking my head in a cooler of melted ice and flinging around my long hair screaming "Look, I'm in a Pantene Pro-V Commercial! I've got hair so healthy, it shines!" But hardly anything could get his attention away from the "festivities" that surrounded them.

Are my thoughts regarding the current situation resurfacing from feelings of the past? Am I in need of some overdue attention that makes a subconscious connection between someone else drinking and not talking to me?

The research would suggest this is true. I'm exemplifying a few ACOA characteristics in this situation: need for attention, thinking the world revolves around me, and wanted to shake the boat while the water is calm (I'm really wanting to ignore the boyfriend's phone call when he calls, just to make like I'm upset), and probably more...

Ugh, I hate games. Mind games, beer games, the game of Life (except the board game, I like that...)...

Right now I need to figure out how to comprehend not feeling upset, but not wanting to feel okay with him being out... I was having such a happy-go-lucky night, too, and now I think I'll just go to bed...

Do you ever feel like this?

There's Always Time...

“Though no one can go back and make a brand new start, anyone can start from now and make a brand new ending.” ~Carl Bard

This has always been one of my favorite quotes. It was on the wall in whatever high school I took my ACT College Prep exam. I've never been able to find out who Carl Bard is (then again, I've never really looked very hard...), but his quote always helps me to step out of the past and into the future.

I keep dwelling on the fact that I still haven't finished the blog post I've been trying to complete since last December. Well here's this one instead. I'm dwelling on a lot of other personal weaknesses, too. Well, they'll always be there; so I can either live with them, or let them live my life. Well, as any good ACOA, I like being in control.

Tonight I went to the library.
Then I went to the gym.
Now, I'm writing this post.
I feel good.

What have you been putting off?

More to come... Oh, so much more...