The ACOA Rush of Emotions

It's amazing to me how the simplest things could cause so much stress, frustration, and sadness...

I just don't ever know how to handle this stuff... I feel like I can't trust my thoughts or my feelings...

You probably won't take away much from the following, but I just had to get it out of my system (It's faster to type than to write). I figured, too, that maybe it might make you feel better knowing 'there's someone else out there' in case you've ever had a similar rush or state of confusion--regardless of which side of "The Conversation" you were on...


The Conversation:

Boyfriend: "So, are we still going to the orchestra on Saturday?"
Me: "Um, well I really want to, but I haven't had a chance to call back about ticket info."
BF: "Okay, well if you could call and find out tomorrow, that'd be great. Let me know what the details are because one of my friends is in from out of town and he's having a party at one of the local bars. I thought if we didn't go to the orchestra, we could maybe go there instead. Or, if we do go to the orchestra, we could stop by the bar afterwards or something. Just throwing it out there..."
Me: "Oh... ... ..." [see The Thought Process below]
BF: "Are you okay?"
Me: "mm...uh...yeah"
BF: "What's up, hunny?"
Me: "Well, it's just that I feel like you'd rather go with your friends than go to the orchestra."
BF: "No, I want to go with you! We've been talking about this for awhile!"
Me: "Yeah, but I feel like you only want to go to the orchestra because it's a chance for us to do something together. I can't help, though, but feel like you'd actually prefer for us to go to the bar to see your friends over going to the orchestra."
BF: "Well, yeah; but I want to go to the orchestra because it's something you want to do. Besides, I'll have other times I'll be seeing my friends over the holiday break, and I already told them that I probably couldn't make it on Saturday."
Me: " *Sigh* Sorry, it's just that I feel like I'd be taking you away from your friends and what you'd prefer to do..."
BF: "N-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-no...that's not the case! Don't worry about it at all. Let's go to the orchestra on Saturday and we'll play other things by ear"
Me: "Okay...."

The Thought Process
Oh, that's right; I forgot to call back about the tickets!
I am so excited to see the orchestra's Christmas concert!
This should be so much fun, we've never been to the orchestra together!
I hope I can convince the ticket office to give me the discounted rate...
What? His friends want to have a party at the bar?
Crap, if he tries to back out on this, I will be so mad! We've bee talking about this for months!!!
Oh, he still wants to go.... but maybe stop by the bar afterwards?
Yeah, because the thing I'd love to do after a wonderful evening is show up in orchestra-attire at the bar and watch everyone around me get shit-faced.
Stop it, you're overreacting--people are simply getting together because everyone is in town for the holidays--it could be a fun, relaxing time.
Crap, what am I thinking?! He's only been to the orchestra when he was a kid--that's not his thing! There's no way if I weren't in the picture he would ever choose to go to the orchestra over going to the bar with his friends.
Dammit, I'll be keeping him from his friends. The entire night, all he'll be thinking about is, "Hmm, I wonder what everyone is doing at the bar? I wonder if we'll be able to stop by afterwards... gosh, how much longer is this thing gonna go?
UGH!!! This sucks! I don't even want to go to the bar AT ALL to see his friends! I'm so selfish! He's willing to do something with me that I want to do, but there's not any part of me that wants to return the favor and do something he wants to do when it has anything to do with the bar.
Shut up, that's not the case. He knows how the bar affects you, you're not being selfish, you're setting boundaries.
Crap, he's seeing his friends how many times over break? I'll be out of town when his friends have their big Christmas party--the one that last year someone got rushed to the hospital in an ambulance for a head injury because he was so drunk and had to have medical procedures performed because his blood alcohol level was so high? Shit, shit, shit!
I don't want him out with his friends without me... I don't want to keep him from his friends... Crap, my chest is tightening up...
Damnit, I hate this! I can't deal with this! I know he's not the person I want him to be--he's changed just to adjust to my discomforts. There's no way that can work in the future... he's bound to bounce back and get pissed because he'll feel like he's sacrificed who he really is for the sake of a potential married life. No, no, no, I won't be able to handle that if that happens....
I know he'd rather go with his friends... He should just go with his friends... I can go to the orchestra by myself...
No I can't, all I'll be doing is thinking of him the whole time... he would never allow that to happen, either. He loves me too much... he just wants to spend time with me.
Ugh! How could he keep saying, "Don't worry about it" ??!? I hate when he says that! I'm not WORRIED--I'm feeling pains from the past---pains I don't even know how to define. I'm sad...I'm hurt... I'm frustrated...I'm tired... I'm sick...
...but I'm not worried... God, just stop saying that!
Jeez, why am I so upset? Why do you even keep asking yourself that question? There's no answer.
I just hate it... I hate knowing he can have a beer or two with his friends or co-workers or whomever and that it means absolutely nothing. It means absolutely nothing, and yet it's something that I can't force him to stop.
I bet that's why he didn't come over last night. He was at a Christmas party. I bet he had a beer...it sounded like he did on the phone...I bet he knew I'd smell it on his breath and that it would make me upset.
God, will you stop trying to project thoughts and feelings onto other people? Just trust him like you know you can! He's not your parents! He's not sick! Just believe what he says and take it for what it's worth!
I can't...this can't work... I just want this to all go away.... why did he even have to bring up the outing with his friends? When will he ever GET IT!??!?!?!?!?!?!??!?
I hate the holidays.... I hate people getting together.... I hate having to see (or not see) my family...
I just want to go to sleep.
Why does this have to even MATTER!?
Great, now that Finals are over, my mind can so easily switch back to all its normal musings instead of blocking them with thoughts of operations analysis, managerial accounting, and global marketing...


Well, time to cry myself to sleep. Maybe it's good that I'm feeling emotions? Ugh...

"I'm Scared"

I'm sobbing in my apartment right now and I couldn't have even seen this coming. I was absolutely fine not minutes ago--then all of a sudden I felt like I had to "make" something of the time I finally had to have a conversation with my boyfriend, so of course I tried to talk about what's on my mind--bring him into my world so that maybe he could offer a different vantage point--and of course, my expectations let me down.

Then, I feel like I frustrated him, even though he told me I didn't. Then I keep wondering why he never says anything when I try to share these things with him and can sit in total silence on the phone and then sound annoyed that I then "quiz him on his thoughts and feelings." Why am I so upset? I feel like the most important thing to him right now is that he doesn't miss the beginning of the movie he's about to watch. Why can't we just have a deep conversation for once--or at least one that doesn't leave me feeling so alone!?

It was that quote from my Al-Anon meeting tonight: "love cannot flow through a heart of fear and resentment." Especially right now, though, I can see how true it is. I'm obviously full of resentment as I sit here balling and angrily questioning my entire relationship just because my boyfriend doesn't communicate the same way I do. Seeing how I immediately started apologizing for upsetting him--even though he did nothing to show that was the case and became confused with my apologies--it's easy to see that I'm fearful. Finally, with how absolutely alone I feel right now, it's clear to see how I'm not accepting the love I know my boyfriend has for me, or else I wouldn't be feeling so hopeless.

But the truth is: I am scared. I'm scared about my relationship. Especially after tonight's speaker talking about Love, peaking my OCD nature to remind me of something I've noticed ever since I first walked into a meeting: very few people are married, and if they are, they go to meetings together because their child is an alcoholic.

This only flares up my old absolutely stubborn thoughts about refusing to become another ACOA statistic who either becomes an alcoholic, or marries one. Where are all the success stories of people who came from chaos, but managed to make a happy life for themselves? Why aren't they speaking at these meetings? Why must all the positive still carry so much NEGATIVE?!?

I am scared. I'm scared I'll be another woman in the room who came from an alcoholic upbringing and unknowingly married an alcoholic. I"m scared I'll run away from an opportunity to have a great life just because I'm afraid of the risk. I'm scared my boyfriend will finally get sick of my whining and break up with me. I'm scared we'll get married and he'll get tired of me someday. I'm scared to have children. I'm scared that a child of mine may become an alcoholic. I'm scared to have to deal with these issues MY WHOLE LIFE. I'm scared my boyfriend won't ever go to these meetings with me so that we actually can talk about this stuff...

...and now I'm scared I won't be able to get all of this off my mind to successfully study and fall asleep tonight...

"Just for today I will try to live this day only and not try to tackle all my problems at once." Al-Anon's Just for Today

My First Al-Anon Meeting

The Serenity Prayer
God, grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I can,
and the wisdom to know the difference.

I heard this prayer a lot growing up. While I thought it was another piece of poetry to simply help me ignore anything in my 'reality' and distract myself with thoughts of 'heaven,' I was always intrigued by it...basically from the standpoint of not understanding the last line.
With the realization from home that no one else would take care of me except me and the teachings from school that one person could change the world, I thought the last line was sort of a trick. "haha," I would think, "I get it--the difference is that there is no difference! Anything I can't directly change I can affect by changing other things..." Painfully, I’m now realizing this isn’t the case…

What I’m learning now is that even in all my ACOA self-centeredness, I haven’t spent enough time changing the only thing I do have power over—myself. Yet, I guess that’s the point of being self-centered—everything else revolves around you and changes according to your will and choices, as opposed to you, the person, doing any changing and letting ‘everything else’ fall into its own place. I had a hunch that I was missing something regarding only myself over this past summer.

This summer was supposed to be easy. I was supposed to have an easy internship that raked in some cash to make for an easier transition into my first apartment. This nice arrangement was supposed to give me plenty of time and peace to set everything up in my apartment exactly as I wanted and in plenty of time before the school year started so that I could have no excuses as to why I wasn’t able to perform to the level I knew I could. If you read my recent post, you know this didn’t turn out as it was “supposed to.”

I disdainfully noticed exactly what was happening—things weren’t going my way! I grumped around (and still do…) complaining that "no matter what I try to change, still nothing goes how it’s meant to!" These feelings were particularly noticeable in my relationship as between my boyfriend and me, we attended six summer weddings. When we weren’t at one together, I couldn’t function the entire time he was gone. I found myself paralyzed in my wonderings of his every thought, word, and action—was he excited to be there without me? Was he excited that he could get away with having a few beers without me knowing? Did he think of me with every sip of alcohol? Did he care about how every sip my parents took worsened my life? Even though I know he’s not getting drunk, does he care that others are? Does he wish he could get drunk too? Etc, etc, etc… Suddenly, my morning, afternoon, and/or evening was gone; I was exhausted, and just plain sad. This made it particularly difficult when he would call after the celebrations and ask, “How are you?” What was I supposed to say? It was even more difficult when I would ask, “So, how was everything?” and only hear, “it was good!” As you can imagine, I felt like I was left completely hanging, even though my boyfriend had no concept of anything that went through my mind the entire time he was supporting a happy occasion.

Of course, when I would share such feelings and distresses with him, it left both of us feeling frustrated, guilty, and confused.

Because of all this stress I felt my personal issues brought to our relationship, when my boyfriend’s birthday came along, buying any kind of ‘present’ for him seemed meaningless. Even though I got so frustrated and worked up about his personal actions and choices, I still recognized that he did make a lot of effort to help and support me---not to mention love me without condition. I wanted to show him I appreciated him and that I didn’t want to bring any more stress to our relationship. As I searched through my ‘barrel,’ I realized I already read a ton of ACOA books, had him read books on ACOAs and relationships, talked to counselors, and performed my own research, but nothing seemed to better the situation. Then, at the bottom of my barrel, I found ‘Al-Anon Adult Child meeting.’ As I considered the option in light of my situation, I accepted it as an undesirable and inconvenient. Yet, when I thought about how much I loved my boyfriend—and how much he loved me—I realized it would be very selfish of me not to do something that could help our relationship (and ultimately, me) just because I didn’t feel like it, or because it might actually take some effort on my part. So, I bit the bullet and went, bringing him some literature from the meeting as a symbol of my gift. I described the experience to a reader of my blog in a recent email response:

“After a long summer of a countless number of weddings, I was feeling particularly exhausted from the emotional turmoil I was experiencing regarding my boyfriend's participation in such weddings. I know he was feeling exhausted from the turmoil as well, and I recognized the strain it placed on our relationship. So, for the sake of his birthday, I thought I'd take a HUUUUUUUUUUUGE personal step and attend an Al-Anon Adult Child meeting. These are few and far between, but I made the drive to learn how my upbringing has affected me as an adult, and how I should still consider the alcoholics in my life. Well, I have continued to attend these meetings and have even started attending another general Al-Anon meeting during the week. While the program is not the ‘educational’ venue I wish it could be (there is nothing to ‘teach’ in terms of recovery), it has helped me learn more than any ACOA book I've read. It's almost like I'm finally being held to all of the things I realized through those other books. It has also helped me cope with struggles within my relationship and find out that certain ways I was POSITIVE were great ways in thinking (or absolutely never questioned) were some of the most destructive behaviors in my life…I was reading books for over a year and only growing more frustrated, along with my boyfriend. These Al-Anon meetings have been the first thing that has caused me to think in terms of ways I can take action to improve my behavior. It wasn't until my 5th meeting that I stopped thinking, ‘When am I actually going to get anything out of this?’ but after that meeting, I've taken something away from EVERY meeting. Check out http://www.al-anonfamilygroups.org/meetings/meeting.html to find a meeting in your area. Ones marked "AAC" are specifically tailored to Adult Children of Alcoholics, but if you can't get to any of those in your area, any general Al-Anon meeting would suffice.”

Now I have much to say from my Al-Anon experiences (positive and negative), but I think I will keep some of the thoughts for future posts, instead of bombarding you with anything and everything I’ve thought thus far… But, I would like to share with you the reflections I wrote in my notebook after my first meeting (below). I hope they’re helpful to you, or at least thought-provoking.

More ramblings to come!

7/20/08 – First AAC Meeting

Memorable quote from the meeting: “If you planted a seed, stop pulling it out by the roots to see if it’s growing…”

~The meeting wasn’t as weird as I thought it would be. It was clear that everyone there had a general understanding of what to do and what everything was about—an understanding that might take me awhile to achieve.

~I felt awkward when everyone clapped for me when I had to announce that it was my first meeting. Thank God I’ll only have to go through it once more for the second meeting.

~S— said [my boyfriend] should come with me to the meetings because he, too, has obviously been affected by my parents’ drinking (through me). I know this kind of thing would make him SO uncomfortable, but I really hope he’s willing to do this with me.

~Of course, what sucks is that there is no general “learning structure”—no “lessons” to be taught or learned. That means healing could take a long time.

~I couldn’t help but giggle when various speakers would introduce themselves and everyone would respond, “Hi,_____” I wanted to break out into that song from Rent… “there’s only us, there’s only this…”

~It was slightly uncomfortable for everyone to stand in a circle and hold hands while saying a prayer at the end, but it was comforting to hear something familiar…

~The weirdest part was when everyone chanted something while still holding hands—something about 'keep coming back it works if you do, it don’t if you don’t'… but I can probably get over it…

Torn Emotions

I miss blogging...

At the moment, I'm feeling rather jealous because my boyfriend is out "having pizza" with his soccer team after he said earlier that he wouldn't have time to come visit me. Granted, this is completely acceptable and fine (I'm a decent 30 minute drive from him, anyway), and we did not have plans. But let's be real: I'm upset because I'm sure he's having a few beers.

I guess I should restate that as well--for once, I'm not really feeling jealous. I'm more thinking I'm feeling jealous. The difference? My muscles aren't tense, and I don't have the urge to scream. But I wonder why I even care at all.

But then I think about all the times I went to my dad's softball games when I was young. I loved watching him play, and cheering him on, and dancing around when the team won. What I didn't like was getting stuck there till all hours of the night, waiting for the beer to run out. I went as far as dunking my head in a cooler of melted ice and flinging around my long hair screaming "Look, I'm in a Pantene Pro-V Commercial! I've got hair so healthy, it shines!" But hardly anything could get his attention away from the "festivities" that surrounded them.

Are my thoughts regarding the current situation resurfacing from feelings of the past? Am I in need of some overdue attention that makes a subconscious connection between someone else drinking and not talking to me?

The research would suggest this is true. I'm exemplifying a few ACOA characteristics in this situation: need for attention, thinking the world revolves around me, and wanted to shake the boat while the water is calm (I'm really wanting to ignore the boyfriend's phone call when he calls, just to make like I'm upset), and probably more...

Ugh, I hate games. Mind games, beer games, the game of Life (except the board game, I like that...)...

Right now I need to figure out how to comprehend not feeling upset, but not wanting to feel okay with him being out... I was having such a happy-go-lucky night, too, and now I think I'll just go to bed...

Do you ever feel like this?

Gaining Comfort with Good Relationships

(If you wish to see this blog's first entry, click here.)

Today, I came across the movie, Mona Lisa Smile when mindlessly channel surfing. I remembered being incredibly intrigued by the movie when it first came out, particularly because of the main character's advocation for free thinking and challenging conformity. There was one scene that stuck in my mind the minute I experienced it, and it was to witness this scene again that I watched the whole movie this afternoon.

In the scene, Julia Roberts' character (Katherine Watson) approaches Julia Stiles' character (Joan Brandwyn) to discuss options for attending law school after graduation as opposed to becoming a housewife (the norm of the 1954 movie setting that Katherine strongly rejects).

Much to Katherine's dismay, Joan announces that she has shelved her law school dreams in order to pursue her greater dream of becoming a wife and mother. As she shows Katherine her ring from her very recent elopement, Joan addresses Katherine's apparent attitude of disappointment:

"You stand in class and tell us to look beyond the image, but you don't. To you a housewife is someone who sold her soul for a center hall colonial. She has no depth, no intellect, no interests. You're the one who said I could do anything I wanted. This is what I want."

At this point in the movie, I had felt very attached to Katherine. So much so that when Joan spoke these words, they seemed to cut into me as much as they were meant to affect the character, Katherine. Why did it bother me? Because I strongly felt that marriage was a sacrifice of self and that women who grew up with the goal of getting married were weak, dependent, and afraid of being alone.

But not me. I didn't need anybody else in my life. I didn't need anyone to take care of me. I was perfectly fine being by myself and calling my own shots, and because of this comfort, I 'knew' that God was calling me to "the single life." Besides, I had far too much baggage to burden another person with--to do so would mean a less enjoyable life for the other person. Yep, being single was definitely the only way to live life happily--with no limited options or choices, which meant I could help so many more people than just a husband and a few kids.

Oh, how I realized today how much of this thinking relates to the qualities of an ACOA. Not only did I not have one single positive example of a healthy relationship in my life, I also viewed a "normal" way of living in marriage as something that simply didn't interest me. Why didn't it interest me? For the same reason it would disinterest most ACOAs: fear.

I've learned that my projected confidence in being able to support myself comes from the ACOA characteristic of needing absolute control, which stems from the upbringing of always needing to fend for myself, since my parents wouldn't/couldn't support me. A marriage means a relationship, which means share of control. ACOAs fear loss of control, which is why I might have viewed marriage as a "self-sacrifice."

Feeling that any aspect of me as a person or the life I live(d) would be a "burden" to another person stems from the ACOA characteristic of low self-esteem. (It is important to note that having self-confidence is not necessarily the same as having a high self-esteem.) Having low self-esteem is fearing that others won't/can't accept you for who you are. This was my case.

Finally, feeling that life happiness is measured by the number of people I can help relates to the ACOA characteristic of constantly putting others before myself. This seems to connect with a fear of what others might think, or a fear of failure.

I think these fears, and many more, might relate to any healthy relationship with an ACOA. When things are the best they can be, the ACOA can always find something to criticize, or something that was a disappointment. This is most often an action of the ACOA's partner that the ACOA took very personally based on the ACOA's own, misconstrued interpretations. These "misconstrued interpretations," I feel, are the largest stress source for both parties involved because they are related to shaky assumptions/expectations that the ACOA develops in attempting to "guess what normal is."

This, at least, has been the truth in my personal relationship. I've found that most of the 'problems' and conflicts that have arisen are strictly rooted in the way I interpret things, assume things, expect things, and fill in the blanks about ANYTHING my boyfriend does or doesn't say/do. Letting the fear of what might be thought of me infringe on my ability to ask questions and express my feelings has only caused me to revert to what I am used to as an ACOA: turning on the numb, and separating myself. This has been exposed in the ways I constantly degrade myself for burdening my boyfriend, turning the accusation on him as, "Look how sad I've made you. See? I told you you weren't ready for this. This is just too hard, and I really think I'm just better off on my own." (Take note how in this example, I seem to be taking all the blame so as to keep all the control--I feel like this can especially be seen in saying "I told you..." Wow, it's weird analyzing your own actions...)

In many of our conflicts, my boyfriend has implored through his tears, "Why can't you just be happy being happy?" While I don't think anyone wants to be unhappy, I feel like this reaction of another person relates to yet another ACOA characteristic of only knowing chaos, and therefore only being comfortable with chaos (subconsciously, of course!). An article that particularly spoke to me when I was contemplating ending my relationship with my boyfriend talks about the reasons why us ACOAs seem to run from good relationships. It seemed to affect my sister as well, when I sent it to her after she broke up with her AMAZING boyfriend for "no good reason really." When her statements continued with "I'm not even upset, and I don't know why. Oh well, this is the story of my life," I saw a pretty good example of what this article was talking about.

If you are in a recognizably healthy relationship and are considering ending it for seemingly large reasons, let me offer you some things to ponder before you make any rash decisions...

1. Name the specific elements you deem "problems."
2. Why are they "problems"? What exactly are they affecting about YOU?
3. Take note of your different emotions and feelings associated with the "problems." Do they relate to anything in your upbringing or ACOA characteristics?
   
4. Have you brought these issues/aspects to the attention of your partner?
5. If not, discuss them with your partner in a non-threatening way in which you personalize your "problems" as "things you struggle with." KEEP IN MIND, however, that your partner might still take these things very personally, so don't overwhelm him or her with everything that's ever bothered you all at once.
   

(If these things seem like MOUNTAINS of a task, I'd suggest reading Janet Woititz's Life Skills for Adult Children)

If you are in a relationship where your partner (or friend, or relative...whatever!) sincerely loves you, then it's only fair to give him or her the courtesy of learning exactly where he or she is coming from, and not basing your "problems" off of personal assumptions and unexplained interpretations. Your partner will appreciate you making the effort to learn more about him or her than you walking away "out of nowhere" (it would probably seem like that). More importantly, you will gain a comfort in being able to base your feelings and emotions on facts, and not on assumptions. Remember: YOU HAVE A RIGHT TO YOUR FEELINGS. However, I don't feel that you have the right to hold how you feel against another person if how you feel is based solely on your personal interpretations, and not on reality--perception is reality, they say; but, things are not always what they seem...so find out the truth before you run.

In the end, rejoice in who you are, and embrace the love others have for you. I have no doubt that you have many reasons for others to love and appreciate and enjoy you. If you find yourself thinking, "no, I'm not special, I don't see why anyone would even like me..." realize that this is a programmed response! You even being alive after your upbringing is something to be proud of, and something for others to love. Let them. The more you allow others to love you, the more you will be able to love yourself.

(Oh, and watch Mona Lisa Smile if you get a chance, because I really think the main character, Katherine, might be an ACOA herself based on her thoughts and actions in the movie. I'd be interested to see if you see any similarities...)

Peace be with you.

Quit Monkeying Around...

I am crazy enough to have rationalized that the more alcohol you drink, the more like a monkey you become. I have sometime stated this in other words saying, "you preferring drunkenness tells me you'd rather be a monkey than a human being." My "reasoning" (if you dare call it that) is the subject of this blog post.

Last week, one of my friends sent me an email. She is currently studying abroad in Spain, and has discovered her "partier within." However, she reflects:

"When I think about the times that I have gone out here, or the times when I have been drunk, I feel like I have sacrificed who I actually am. Why would I want that? It's not living my potential."

This made me think of something my boyfriend said a few weeks ago when I was trying (ever so unsuccessfully) to describe my newfound honesty in expressing my feelings in response to him drinking (at all):

"I don't go out to get drunk. I don't like the way I feel when I do."

These remarks reminded me of an incident that happened last year, and caused me to question (again) a line of reasoning I tried to disprove (but not successfully).

Last year, I remember feeling very upset when my boyfriend called me while he was drunk--and when I say "drunk" I mean WOOOOOOOHOOOO! drunk.

It was not the first time it happened, but I noticed myself getting more and more upset each time he'd call with his happy-go-lucky, drunken personality. My mind told me to "cut it out" that he was "just having a good time," and that he was " being completely responsible," but regardless my "logic," I still felt awful.

That particular night, I wanted to find out exactly what made me so upset. This was before I learned anything about ACOAs, but I still figured part of my upset nature was due to my upbringing according to two alcoholic parents. Because I recognized this, I wanted to try extra hard at naming exactly what aspect of my boyfriend being drunk made me feel angry, sad, disappointed, betrayed, frustrated, and hopeless all at the same time.

Trying as hard as I could to step out of my own shoes and strip away any effect parental alcoholism would have on my feelings, I was able to realize a main aspect of what upset me:

When my boyfriend was drunk, I felt like he wasn't himself.

This realization provoked more questioning: why would he not seem like himself?

This was easy to answer. "Because alcohol is a brain-altering drug, and when your brain doesn't function correctly, you don't function as you normally would."

Then I discovered, "hm, I don't remember a lot about alcohol's effects on the brain."

Yay for the Internet. I started with a general search about alcohol's effects and found a nice "Beginner's Guide" article. While the reliability of this source is questionable, I found the following short term effects most interesting--information that is no different than anything I've heard before:

• Impaired Judgment
• Inability to Make Rational Decisions
• Loss of Coordination

I find it interesting that no matter the source, the effects of alcohol become more and more negative with each passing drink. Even if people "seem" happier or "feel" better, every scientific resource describes the effects of alcohol on a person with a negative correlation: the more alcohol, the less benefits--as opposed to: the more drinks the better. In other words, I've never seen any positive statements about alcohol usage past the point where it relaxes you. Yet, it intrigues me how even in this state, judgment is impaired (Mind you, this is said to be the state of mind after about 3 drinks). More negative!

All that aside, I kept finding my distracting feelings reverting to my boyfriend. My thoughts kept pushing them aside: "stop it! he's responsible!" I switched gears and decided I needed to find out exactly what "responsible drinking" meant.

I expected to find different descriptions of "responsible" per different occasions: i.e.: "responsible drinking" would have a different definition for a wedding reception than it would for a dinner party. What I found was that no matter what, "responsible" was across the board. I was shocked when this was confirmed by a website from the UK: men should have no more than 2-3 drinks a day, and women should have no more than 1-2 drinks a day. (Now I realize that the effects a number of drinks have on a person depends on many other factors, but for simplicity's sake, I'll just be referring to the numbers provided.)

Here I was faced with facts that "responsible drinking" entailed anywhere from 1-3 drinks. Therefore, I concluded that if you drink more than 3 drinks, you are being irresponsible. But could this really be true? Hmm, what does "responsible" mean, anyway?

Well, my good friend Dictionary.com has a multitude of definitions. The first one states:

Responsible: answerable or accountable, as for something within one's power, control, or management

Hmm, so irresponsible would mean being unanswerable or unaccountable or out of control. Right? Pretty much:

Irresponsible: said, done, or characterized by a lack of a sense of responsibility

Alright, so an irresponsible person can't really answer anything because the answers don't matter if the person can't be accountable for them; if the person can't be accountable, then he or she probably can't be trusted on his or her own behalf, or on the behalf of others, especially if the irresponsible person is one who is also out of control.

Why did this sound familiar? Wasn't I only looking at some of the effects of alcohol just before this? What were they again?

• Impaired Judgment--hmm, sounds like the impaired ability to judge, make a statement about something, answer a question...
  
• Inability to Make Rational Decisions--hmm, sounds like irrationality...
  
• Loss of Coordination--hmm, doesn't to coordinate mean to control something in a way? sounds like loss of control...

Wow. I found myself not able to think of things any other way: more than 3 drinks = irresponsible.

But, come on now, why the heck was I looking for information in the first place? That's right, I wanted to know alcohol's effects on the brain.

Alright, the brain. I remember that from fourth grade--cerebellum, cerebrum...uh...

Okay, so I needed to learn more about the parts of the brain and their individual functions. I found a simple picture that had simple descriptions of each section. I was particularly drawn to the functions listed in the frontal lobe: personality, motor skills, emotions, problem solving, and reasoning.

Phew--that seems like a lot! Especially when seeing personality, emotions, and reasoning, I felt like this is, like, everything there is to being human. I remember getting particularly caught on "reasoning" relating that to "intellect" as well as "problem solving," relating that to "making choices."

Now, I tend to look at things with a religious tone to see if it falls in line with science. Bear with me for one second if you aren't into that sort of thing: I remember learning that God gave humans two gifts to set us apart from all other creations: intellect and free will. In a secular sense, I would say these would be the same aspects that set humans apart from animals.

In fact, scientists agree that the frontal lobes of the brain are the "essence of what makes us human." A study conducted by the Center for Neuro Skills was shocking confirmation for this hunch:

"A new study has found the strongest evidence yet that what sets humans apart from other primates may be found in the brain's frontal lobes.."

With the frontal lobes being so important to our very humanity, I could only assume that they would be one of the last areas of the brain to be affected by alcohol, right?

Wrong. The frontal lobe is the first area of the brain affected by alcohol. How many drinks did we say did it take for the frontal lobe's functioning to start failing (see above if you forgot)? Even an online alcohol joke agrees with the 3rd drink being the last before craziness.

So, now I was at this point: frontal lobes = essence of humanity; irresponsible drinking = effects to frontal lobe; getting drunk = willingly sacrificing what makes you human.

So, getting drunk means choosing to be more of a monkey than the rational, intellectual human you were designed to be. I could write ten more pages about the ethics in choosing to do this, which are often overlooked when it's so common for someone to say, "here, take my keys, and make sure you don't give them back to me later." Can you translate that request for me? "Here, take my keys since I will be willingly sacrificing that which designates me as human and won't be able to drive." Sorry...tangent...

Hm, no wonder I was upset when my boyfriend called me drunk. It made me feel like I was in love with a monkey.

PS: Because I realize how crazy all this sounds, I thought I'd check my feeble "reasoning" with a lawyer from Ireland. His response? "Well, that's the craziest thing I've ever heard. I can't say I agree with it, but I can't deny your logic, either. Um, yeah, I have no argument."

This didn't help me to feel any less attached to my crazy antics. Is insanity a quality of ACOAs? Maybe we should add that to the list of characteristics...

In any event, if you are an ACOA and you have made the decision to use little to no alcohol, don't feel inferior to the monkeys. If you are an ACOA who is fine with using alcohol, please, be responsible, and be aware that as an ACOA, you are four times as likely to become an alcoholic.

Good luck in all your endeavors this week!

All my love to YOU! (yep, you!)

Recovery

From Dictionary.com (one of my favorite sites):

Recover: to cover again or anew

Simple enough. The word that peaks my interest most is "anew." I realized this is the aspect that relates most to myself as an ACOA.

When I hear the word, "recovery," I immediately think of those trying to cope with some sort of addiction. This always frustrated me when learning about ACOAs. I found that, as the statistics show, most of the ACOAs quoted in my resources were alcoholics themselves. This made me angry, because I felt like I couldn't relate, or that the information was somehow skewed, because I was not actively coping or struggling with a personal substance abuse issue.

However, in this past week I've come to accept that I too am in "recovery." You are in recovery, too. We are recovering from others' problems that have caused a multitude of our own. Dammit...

The problem with many ACOAs, especially those who grew up with alcoholism in their families from the start (such as myself), is that we have no sense of "normality" to regain. We have to discover this state of affairs on our own--to cover something anew, so to speak. This is harder than I thought, and I'm sure you're finding out the same, too.

Based on recent occurrences in my relationships, I realized that reading one book on ACOA wasn't going to cut it. Of course, being financially strained does not help the situation when you need to buy books on the subject. But then I remembered that great source: the library. One book that I found particularly interesting was Lifeskills for Adult Children by Janet G. Woititz and Alan Garner. When I looked at the table of contents, I realized just how seriously growing up without an example could hinder our lives. While I don't feel I relate to all of these struggles, I wonder if some of you do:

1. Making Contact With Others
2. Expressing Feelings
3. Active Listening
4. Asking For What You Want
5. Giving Others What They Want
6. Solving Problems
7. Asking Others To Change Their Behavior
8. Handling Criticism
9. Establishing And Defending Boundaries
10. Fighting Fair
11. Ending Conversations, Ending Visits
12. Ending Relationships

Each chapter appears to have specific examples of how to handle "normal" situations in life. When I skimmed through the first chapter and saw a list of common conversation starters, I thought, "Jeez, this is really pathetic, I don't need this." But then I realized, wow...but some people do. It's like we're a bunch of 4-year-olds walking around in adult bodies trying to figure out how the world works...but with no one to show us.

Recently, it seems that my largest struggle is expressing my feelings. More of a struggle than that, though, is actually identifying them. My famous response to the question, "How are you?" was always, "I'm okay." Even when people would comment, "You don't look okay," I'd come back with, "Well, I'm alive, so I'm okay. It's when I'd be unable to breathe, move, or speak to you that I'd consider myself 'not okay.'" This was always the case, whether I was truly angry, sad, frustrated, happy, etc...I was just "okay."

I've been practicing the act of being honest with my feelings over the past few years when it comes to these sorts of greetings--usually because when the question is posed is the only time I consciously think about it: "How are you?" or "How're you doing?"I think this is a great start, because these are greetings that we so easily brush off. Try it: next time someone greets you in this way, say how you honestly feel, it's good practice for us ACOAs who have traces of being pathological liars. "Eh, I'm kinda bummed out about something right now," is a perfectly fine answer.

Of course, the trick is carrying this act through our entire life. I realized recently that I was not being honest in my relationships about a lot of my feelings. For instance, when I was discussing the idea of dating my now-boyfriend (non-ACOA, religious, faithful, hard-working, smart, loving...just an amazing guy) I was able to voice that "I have unknown struggles with alcohol, and I don't know how I'll really feel or react to your use of it. I recognize that alcohol is not evil, that people who use alcohol are not bad, and that I have been shaped by having examples of its abuse rule my life, but I still feel uncomfortable around it. It's something I've realized is going to take me a long time to get over..." Yay for me and my honesty! Of course, whenever he went out with his friends, or if I was with him and his family, I never said that his drinking of one or two beers was still bothersome to me. I also didn't tell him that I cried myself to sleep the handful of times he called me or visited me in a happy, drunken state. Why? Because I didn't feel like I had the right to feel like the way I did, considering he was doing nothing "wrong." He is a responsible (mostly), occasional, social drinker, and yet it KILLED/S ME!

Of course, I'm starting to ramble (take note of the title of this blog) and I'm trying to take on too much in this single post, but the point is that I exploded after two years of just pretending like I was okay, and it has made things even more difficult. Moral: START PRACTICING BEING HONEST WITH YOUR FEELINGS.

Of course, like I said, a whole other aspect of this is being able to identify those feelings. This is where I'm currently stuck. For instance, last night my boyfriend met up with some of his old friends from college at a local bar (I was not present). I talked to him afterwards and asked him some questions about the evening. At one point I asked, "Did you have anything to drink?" "I had one beer," he said. Then he asked, "Does that bother you?" My answer was, "Yes and no. In my head it doesn't bother me--there's nothing wrong about what you did. But, emotionally, I feel like you having that beer is a punch in my face." "Why do you feel like it's a punch in your face?" he asked. "...*sigh*...I...don't....know...." I guess I need to read through chapter 2 very slowly...

Recovery: "The act of obtaining usable substances from unusable sources"

Our parent(s) may have been an unusable source. Our recovery is to find something useful to take away from the situation in order to build upon it and create anew the "normal" we never had. Basically, we are left to create something from nothing, which would mean literally breaking the laws of science. Well, we have feelings...I guess that's a place to start. Let's work to find out what they are, and how to use them to our advantage...even if that advantage is just to learn more about ourselves.
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Random(I'll do this from time to time): I feel like I made a large step in my "recovery" today. I finally looked up support groups and finally found my first ACOA meetings. I realized I had been looking in the wrong place all along. Here is the link to find ACOA meetings. Search for Al-Anon and look for titles with "AAC" for ACOA-specific groups. I found two potential locations. I sent two emails asking for more information. As someone who has had awful experiences with counseling over the years, and has completely discarded the idea of recovery support groups, I wonder if I'll be able to bring myself to go...