"I'm Scared"

I'm sobbing in my apartment right now and I couldn't have even seen this coming. I was absolutely fine not minutes ago--then all of a sudden I felt like I had to "make" something of the time I finally had to have a conversation with my boyfriend, so of course I tried to talk about what's on my mind--bring him into my world so that maybe he could offer a different vantage point--and of course, my expectations let me down.

Then, I feel like I frustrated him, even though he told me I didn't. Then I keep wondering why he never says anything when I try to share these things with him and can sit in total silence on the phone and then sound annoyed that I then "quiz him on his thoughts and feelings." Why am I so upset? I feel like the most important thing to him right now is that he doesn't miss the beginning of the movie he's about to watch. Why can't we just have a deep conversation for once--or at least one that doesn't leave me feeling so alone!?

It was that quote from my Al-Anon meeting tonight: "love cannot flow through a heart of fear and resentment." Especially right now, though, I can see how true it is. I'm obviously full of resentment as I sit here balling and angrily questioning my entire relationship just because my boyfriend doesn't communicate the same way I do. Seeing how I immediately started apologizing for upsetting him--even though he did nothing to show that was the case and became confused with my apologies--it's easy to see that I'm fearful. Finally, with how absolutely alone I feel right now, it's clear to see how I'm not accepting the love I know my boyfriend has for me, or else I wouldn't be feeling so hopeless.

But the truth is: I am scared. I'm scared about my relationship. Especially after tonight's speaker talking about Love, peaking my OCD nature to remind me of something I've noticed ever since I first walked into a meeting: very few people are married, and if they are, they go to meetings together because their child is an alcoholic.

This only flares up my old absolutely stubborn thoughts about refusing to become another ACOA statistic who either becomes an alcoholic, or marries one. Where are all the success stories of people who came from chaos, but managed to make a happy life for themselves? Why aren't they speaking at these meetings? Why must all the positive still carry so much NEGATIVE?!?

I am scared. I'm scared I'll be another woman in the room who came from an alcoholic upbringing and unknowingly married an alcoholic. I"m scared I'll run away from an opportunity to have a great life just because I'm afraid of the risk. I'm scared my boyfriend will finally get sick of my whining and break up with me. I'm scared we'll get married and he'll get tired of me someday. I'm scared to have children. I'm scared that a child of mine may become an alcoholic. I'm scared to have to deal with these issues MY WHOLE LIFE. I'm scared my boyfriend won't ever go to these meetings with me so that we actually can talk about this stuff...

...and now I'm scared I won't be able to get all of this off my mind to successfully study and fall asleep tonight...

"Just for today I will try to live this day only and not try to tackle all my problems at once." Al-Anon's Just for Today

My First Al-Anon Meeting

The Serenity Prayer
God, grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I can,
and the wisdom to know the difference.

I heard this prayer a lot growing up. While I thought it was another piece of poetry to simply help me ignore anything in my 'reality' and distract myself with thoughts of 'heaven,' I was always intrigued by it...basically from the standpoint of not understanding the last line.
With the realization from home that no one else would take care of me except me and the teachings from school that one person could change the world, I thought the last line was sort of a trick. "haha," I would think, "I get it--the difference is that there is no difference! Anything I can't directly change I can affect by changing other things..." Painfully, I’m now realizing this isn’t the case…

What I’m learning now is that even in all my ACOA self-centeredness, I haven’t spent enough time changing the only thing I do have power over—myself. Yet, I guess that’s the point of being self-centered—everything else revolves around you and changes according to your will and choices, as opposed to you, the person, doing any changing and letting ‘everything else’ fall into its own place. I had a hunch that I was missing something regarding only myself over this past summer.

This summer was supposed to be easy. I was supposed to have an easy internship that raked in some cash to make for an easier transition into my first apartment. This nice arrangement was supposed to give me plenty of time and peace to set everything up in my apartment exactly as I wanted and in plenty of time before the school year started so that I could have no excuses as to why I wasn’t able to perform to the level I knew I could. If you read my recent post, you know this didn’t turn out as it was “supposed to.”

I disdainfully noticed exactly what was happening—things weren’t going my way! I grumped around (and still do…) complaining that "no matter what I try to change, still nothing goes how it’s meant to!" These feelings were particularly noticeable in my relationship as between my boyfriend and me, we attended six summer weddings. When we weren’t at one together, I couldn’t function the entire time he was gone. I found myself paralyzed in my wonderings of his every thought, word, and action—was he excited to be there without me? Was he excited that he could get away with having a few beers without me knowing? Did he think of me with every sip of alcohol? Did he care about how every sip my parents took worsened my life? Even though I know he’s not getting drunk, does he care that others are? Does he wish he could get drunk too? Etc, etc, etc… Suddenly, my morning, afternoon, and/or evening was gone; I was exhausted, and just plain sad. This made it particularly difficult when he would call after the celebrations and ask, “How are you?” What was I supposed to say? It was even more difficult when I would ask, “So, how was everything?” and only hear, “it was good!” As you can imagine, I felt like I was left completely hanging, even though my boyfriend had no concept of anything that went through my mind the entire time he was supporting a happy occasion.

Of course, when I would share such feelings and distresses with him, it left both of us feeling frustrated, guilty, and confused.

Because of all this stress I felt my personal issues brought to our relationship, when my boyfriend’s birthday came along, buying any kind of ‘present’ for him seemed meaningless. Even though I got so frustrated and worked up about his personal actions and choices, I still recognized that he did make a lot of effort to help and support me---not to mention love me without condition. I wanted to show him I appreciated him and that I didn’t want to bring any more stress to our relationship. As I searched through my ‘barrel,’ I realized I already read a ton of ACOA books, had him read books on ACOAs and relationships, talked to counselors, and performed my own research, but nothing seemed to better the situation. Then, at the bottom of my barrel, I found ‘Al-Anon Adult Child meeting.’ As I considered the option in light of my situation, I accepted it as an undesirable and inconvenient. Yet, when I thought about how much I loved my boyfriend—and how much he loved me—I realized it would be very selfish of me not to do something that could help our relationship (and ultimately, me) just because I didn’t feel like it, or because it might actually take some effort on my part. So, I bit the bullet and went, bringing him some literature from the meeting as a symbol of my gift. I described the experience to a reader of my blog in a recent email response:

“After a long summer of a countless number of weddings, I was feeling particularly exhausted from the emotional turmoil I was experiencing regarding my boyfriend's participation in such weddings. I know he was feeling exhausted from the turmoil as well, and I recognized the strain it placed on our relationship. So, for the sake of his birthday, I thought I'd take a HUUUUUUUUUUUGE personal step and attend an Al-Anon Adult Child meeting. These are few and far between, but I made the drive to learn how my upbringing has affected me as an adult, and how I should still consider the alcoholics in my life. Well, I have continued to attend these meetings and have even started attending another general Al-Anon meeting during the week. While the program is not the ‘educational’ venue I wish it could be (there is nothing to ‘teach’ in terms of recovery), it has helped me learn more than any ACOA book I've read. It's almost like I'm finally being held to all of the things I realized through those other books. It has also helped me cope with struggles within my relationship and find out that certain ways I was POSITIVE were great ways in thinking (or absolutely never questioned) were some of the most destructive behaviors in my life…I was reading books for over a year and only growing more frustrated, along with my boyfriend. These Al-Anon meetings have been the first thing that has caused me to think in terms of ways I can take action to improve my behavior. It wasn't until my 5th meeting that I stopped thinking, ‘When am I actually going to get anything out of this?’ but after that meeting, I've taken something away from EVERY meeting. Check out http://www.al-anonfamilygroups.org/meetings/meeting.html to find a meeting in your area. Ones marked "AAC" are specifically tailored to Adult Children of Alcoholics, but if you can't get to any of those in your area, any general Al-Anon meeting would suffice.”

Now I have much to say from my Al-Anon experiences (positive and negative), but I think I will keep some of the thoughts for future posts, instead of bombarding you with anything and everything I’ve thought thus far… But, I would like to share with you the reflections I wrote in my notebook after my first meeting (below). I hope they’re helpful to you, or at least thought-provoking.

More ramblings to come!

7/20/08 – First AAC Meeting

Memorable quote from the meeting: “If you planted a seed, stop pulling it out by the roots to see if it’s growing…”

~The meeting wasn’t as weird as I thought it would be. It was clear that everyone there had a general understanding of what to do and what everything was about—an understanding that might take me awhile to achieve.

~I felt awkward when everyone clapped for me when I had to announce that it was my first meeting. Thank God I’ll only have to go through it once more for the second meeting.

~S— said [my boyfriend] should come with me to the meetings because he, too, has obviously been affected by my parents’ drinking (through me). I know this kind of thing would make him SO uncomfortable, but I really hope he’s willing to do this with me.

~Of course, what sucks is that there is no general “learning structure”—no “lessons” to be taught or learned. That means healing could take a long time.

~I couldn’t help but giggle when various speakers would introduce themselves and everyone would respond, “Hi,_____” I wanted to break out into that song from Rent… “there’s only us, there’s only this…”

~It was slightly uncomfortable for everyone to stand in a circle and hold hands while saying a prayer at the end, but it was comforting to hear something familiar…

~The weirdest part was when everyone chanted something while still holding hands—something about 'keep coming back it works if you do, it don’t if you don’t'… but I can probably get over it…

Torn Emotions

I miss blogging...

At the moment, I'm feeling rather jealous because my boyfriend is out "having pizza" with his soccer team after he said earlier that he wouldn't have time to come visit me. Granted, this is completely acceptable and fine (I'm a decent 30 minute drive from him, anyway), and we did not have plans. But let's be real: I'm upset because I'm sure he's having a few beers.

I guess I should restate that as well--for once, I'm not really feeling jealous. I'm more thinking I'm feeling jealous. The difference? My muscles aren't tense, and I don't have the urge to scream. But I wonder why I even care at all.

But then I think about all the times I went to my dad's softball games when I was young. I loved watching him play, and cheering him on, and dancing around when the team won. What I didn't like was getting stuck there till all hours of the night, waiting for the beer to run out. I went as far as dunking my head in a cooler of melted ice and flinging around my long hair screaming "Look, I'm in a Pantene Pro-V Commercial! I've got hair so healthy, it shines!" But hardly anything could get his attention away from the "festivities" that surrounded them.

Are my thoughts regarding the current situation resurfacing from feelings of the past? Am I in need of some overdue attention that makes a subconscious connection between someone else drinking and not talking to me?

The research would suggest this is true. I'm exemplifying a few ACOA characteristics in this situation: need for attention, thinking the world revolves around me, and wanted to shake the boat while the water is calm (I'm really wanting to ignore the boyfriend's phone call when he calls, just to make like I'm upset), and probably more...

Ugh, I hate games. Mind games, beer games, the game of Life (except the board game, I like that...)...

Right now I need to figure out how to comprehend not feeling upset, but not wanting to feel okay with him being out... I was having such a happy-go-lucky night, too, and now I think I'll just go to bed...

Do you ever feel like this?

Gaining Comfort with Good Relationships

(If you wish to see this blog's first entry, click here.)

Today, I came across the movie, Mona Lisa Smile when mindlessly channel surfing. I remembered being incredibly intrigued by the movie when it first came out, particularly because of the main character's advocation for free thinking and challenging conformity. There was one scene that stuck in my mind the minute I experienced it, and it was to witness this scene again that I watched the whole movie this afternoon.

In the scene, Julia Roberts' character (Katherine Watson) approaches Julia Stiles' character (Joan Brandwyn) to discuss options for attending law school after graduation as opposed to becoming a housewife (the norm of the 1954 movie setting that Katherine strongly rejects).

Much to Katherine's dismay, Joan announces that she has shelved her law school dreams in order to pursue her greater dream of becoming a wife and mother. As she shows Katherine her ring from her very recent elopement, Joan addresses Katherine's apparent attitude of disappointment:

"You stand in class and tell us to look beyond the image, but you don't. To you a housewife is someone who sold her soul for a center hall colonial. She has no depth, no intellect, no interests. You're the one who said I could do anything I wanted. This is what I want."

At this point in the movie, I had felt very attached to Katherine. So much so that when Joan spoke these words, they seemed to cut into me as much as they were meant to affect the character, Katherine. Why did it bother me? Because I strongly felt that marriage was a sacrifice of self and that women who grew up with the goal of getting married were weak, dependent, and afraid of being alone.

But not me. I didn't need anybody else in my life. I didn't need anyone to take care of me. I was perfectly fine being by myself and calling my own shots, and because of this comfort, I 'knew' that God was calling me to "the single life." Besides, I had far too much baggage to burden another person with--to do so would mean a less enjoyable life for the other person. Yep, being single was definitely the only way to live life happily--with no limited options or choices, which meant I could help so many more people than just a husband and a few kids.

Oh, how I realized today how much of this thinking relates to the qualities of an ACOA. Not only did I not have one single positive example of a healthy relationship in my life, I also viewed a "normal" way of living in marriage as something that simply didn't interest me. Why didn't it interest me? For the same reason it would disinterest most ACOAs: fear.

I've learned that my projected confidence in being able to support myself comes from the ACOA characteristic of needing absolute control, which stems from the upbringing of always needing to fend for myself, since my parents wouldn't/couldn't support me. A marriage means a relationship, which means share of control. ACOAs fear loss of control, which is why I might have viewed marriage as a "self-sacrifice."

Feeling that any aspect of me as a person or the life I live(d) would be a "burden" to another person stems from the ACOA characteristic of low self-esteem. (It is important to note that having self-confidence is not necessarily the same as having a high self-esteem.) Having low self-esteem is fearing that others won't/can't accept you for who you are. This was my case.

Finally, feeling that life happiness is measured by the number of people I can help relates to the ACOA characteristic of constantly putting others before myself. This seems to connect with a fear of what others might think, or a fear of failure.

I think these fears, and many more, might relate to any healthy relationship with an ACOA. When things are the best they can be, the ACOA can always find something to criticize, or something that was a disappointment. This is most often an action of the ACOA's partner that the ACOA took very personally based on the ACOA's own, misconstrued interpretations. These "misconstrued interpretations," I feel, are the largest stress source for both parties involved because they are related to shaky assumptions/expectations that the ACOA develops in attempting to "guess what normal is."

This, at least, has been the truth in my personal relationship. I've found that most of the 'problems' and conflicts that have arisen are strictly rooted in the way I interpret things, assume things, expect things, and fill in the blanks about ANYTHING my boyfriend does or doesn't say/do. Letting the fear of what might be thought of me infringe on my ability to ask questions and express my feelings has only caused me to revert to what I am used to as an ACOA: turning on the numb, and separating myself. This has been exposed in the ways I constantly degrade myself for burdening my boyfriend, turning the accusation on him as, "Look how sad I've made you. See? I told you you weren't ready for this. This is just too hard, and I really think I'm just better off on my own." (Take note how in this example, I seem to be taking all the blame so as to keep all the control--I feel like this can especially be seen in saying "I told you..." Wow, it's weird analyzing your own actions...)

In many of our conflicts, my boyfriend has implored through his tears, "Why can't you just be happy being happy?" While I don't think anyone wants to be unhappy, I feel like this reaction of another person relates to yet another ACOA characteristic of only knowing chaos, and therefore only being comfortable with chaos (subconsciously, of course!). An article that particularly spoke to me when I was contemplating ending my relationship with my boyfriend talks about the reasons why us ACOAs seem to run from good relationships. It seemed to affect my sister as well, when I sent it to her after she broke up with her AMAZING boyfriend for "no good reason really." When her statements continued with "I'm not even upset, and I don't know why. Oh well, this is the story of my life," I saw a pretty good example of what this article was talking about.

If you are in a recognizably healthy relationship and are considering ending it for seemingly large reasons, let me offer you some things to ponder before you make any rash decisions...

1. Name the specific elements you deem "problems."
2. Why are they "problems"? What exactly are they affecting about YOU?
3. Take note of your different emotions and feelings associated with the "problems." Do they relate to anything in your upbringing or ACOA characteristics?
   
4. Have you brought these issues/aspects to the attention of your partner?
5. If not, discuss them with your partner in a non-threatening way in which you personalize your "problems" as "things you struggle with." KEEP IN MIND, however, that your partner might still take these things very personally, so don't overwhelm him or her with everything that's ever bothered you all at once.
   

(If these things seem like MOUNTAINS of a task, I'd suggest reading Janet Woititz's Life Skills for Adult Children)

If you are in a relationship where your partner (or friend, or relative...whatever!) sincerely loves you, then it's only fair to give him or her the courtesy of learning exactly where he or she is coming from, and not basing your "problems" off of personal assumptions and unexplained interpretations. Your partner will appreciate you making the effort to learn more about him or her than you walking away "out of nowhere" (it would probably seem like that). More importantly, you will gain a comfort in being able to base your feelings and emotions on facts, and not on assumptions. Remember: YOU HAVE A RIGHT TO YOUR FEELINGS. However, I don't feel that you have the right to hold how you feel against another person if how you feel is based solely on your personal interpretations, and not on reality--perception is reality, they say; but, things are not always what they seem...so find out the truth before you run.

In the end, rejoice in who you are, and embrace the love others have for you. I have no doubt that you have many reasons for others to love and appreciate and enjoy you. If you find yourself thinking, "no, I'm not special, I don't see why anyone would even like me..." realize that this is a programmed response! You even being alive after your upbringing is something to be proud of, and something for others to love. Let them. The more you allow others to love you, the more you will be able to love yourself.

(Oh, and watch Mona Lisa Smile if you get a chance, because I really think the main character, Katherine, might be an ACOA herself based on her thoughts and actions in the movie. I'd be interested to see if you see any similarities...)

Peace be with you.