The ACOA Rush of Emotions

It's amazing to me how the simplest things could cause so much stress, frustration, and sadness...

I just don't ever know how to handle this stuff... I feel like I can't trust my thoughts or my feelings...

You probably won't take away much from the following, but I just had to get it out of my system (It's faster to type than to write). I figured, too, that maybe it might make you feel better knowing 'there's someone else out there' in case you've ever had a similar rush or state of confusion--regardless of which side of "The Conversation" you were on...


The Conversation:

Boyfriend: "So, are we still going to the orchestra on Saturday?"
Me: "Um, well I really want to, but I haven't had a chance to call back about ticket info."
BF: "Okay, well if you could call and find out tomorrow, that'd be great. Let me know what the details are because one of my friends is in from out of town and he's having a party at one of the local bars. I thought if we didn't go to the orchestra, we could maybe go there instead. Or, if we do go to the orchestra, we could stop by the bar afterwards or something. Just throwing it out there..."
Me: "Oh... ... ..." [see The Thought Process below]
BF: "Are you okay?"
Me: "mm...uh...yeah"
BF: "What's up, hunny?"
Me: "Well, it's just that I feel like you'd rather go with your friends than go to the orchestra."
BF: "No, I want to go with you! We've been talking about this for awhile!"
Me: "Yeah, but I feel like you only want to go to the orchestra because it's a chance for us to do something together. I can't help, though, but feel like you'd actually prefer for us to go to the bar to see your friends over going to the orchestra."
BF: "Well, yeah; but I want to go to the orchestra because it's something you want to do. Besides, I'll have other times I'll be seeing my friends over the holiday break, and I already told them that I probably couldn't make it on Saturday."
Me: " *Sigh* Sorry, it's just that I feel like I'd be taking you away from your friends and what you'd prefer to do..."
BF: "N-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-no...that's not the case! Don't worry about it at all. Let's go to the orchestra on Saturday and we'll play other things by ear"
Me: "Okay...."

The Thought Process
Oh, that's right; I forgot to call back about the tickets!
I am so excited to see the orchestra's Christmas concert!
This should be so much fun, we've never been to the orchestra together!
I hope I can convince the ticket office to give me the discounted rate...
What? His friends want to have a party at the bar?
Crap, if he tries to back out on this, I will be so mad! We've bee talking about this for months!!!
Oh, he still wants to go.... but maybe stop by the bar afterwards?
Yeah, because the thing I'd love to do after a wonderful evening is show up in orchestra-attire at the bar and watch everyone around me get shit-faced.
Stop it, you're overreacting--people are simply getting together because everyone is in town for the holidays--it could be a fun, relaxing time.
Crap, what am I thinking?! He's only been to the orchestra when he was a kid--that's not his thing! There's no way if I weren't in the picture he would ever choose to go to the orchestra over going to the bar with his friends.
Dammit, I'll be keeping him from his friends. The entire night, all he'll be thinking about is, "Hmm, I wonder what everyone is doing at the bar? I wonder if we'll be able to stop by afterwards... gosh, how much longer is this thing gonna go?
UGH!!! This sucks! I don't even want to go to the bar AT ALL to see his friends! I'm so selfish! He's willing to do something with me that I want to do, but there's not any part of me that wants to return the favor and do something he wants to do when it has anything to do with the bar.
Shut up, that's not the case. He knows how the bar affects you, you're not being selfish, you're setting boundaries.
Crap, he's seeing his friends how many times over break? I'll be out of town when his friends have their big Christmas party--the one that last year someone got rushed to the hospital in an ambulance for a head injury because he was so drunk and had to have medical procedures performed because his blood alcohol level was so high? Shit, shit, shit!
I don't want him out with his friends without me... I don't want to keep him from his friends... Crap, my chest is tightening up...
Damnit, I hate this! I can't deal with this! I know he's not the person I want him to be--he's changed just to adjust to my discomforts. There's no way that can work in the future... he's bound to bounce back and get pissed because he'll feel like he's sacrificed who he really is for the sake of a potential married life. No, no, no, I won't be able to handle that if that happens....
I know he'd rather go with his friends... He should just go with his friends... I can go to the orchestra by myself...
No I can't, all I'll be doing is thinking of him the whole time... he would never allow that to happen, either. He loves me too much... he just wants to spend time with me.
Ugh! How could he keep saying, "Don't worry about it" ??!? I hate when he says that! I'm not WORRIED--I'm feeling pains from the past---pains I don't even know how to define. I'm sad...I'm hurt... I'm frustrated...I'm tired... I'm sick...
...but I'm not worried... God, just stop saying that!
Jeez, why am I so upset? Why do you even keep asking yourself that question? There's no answer.
I just hate it... I hate knowing he can have a beer or two with his friends or co-workers or whomever and that it means absolutely nothing. It means absolutely nothing, and yet it's something that I can't force him to stop.
I bet that's why he didn't come over last night. He was at a Christmas party. I bet he had a beer...it sounded like he did on the phone...I bet he knew I'd smell it on his breath and that it would make me upset.
God, will you stop trying to project thoughts and feelings onto other people? Just trust him like you know you can! He's not your parents! He's not sick! Just believe what he says and take it for what it's worth!
I can't...this can't work... I just want this to all go away.... why did he even have to bring up the outing with his friends? When will he ever GET IT!??!?!?!?!?!?!??!?
I hate the holidays.... I hate people getting together.... I hate having to see (or not see) my family...
I just want to go to sleep.
Why does this have to even MATTER!?
Great, now that Finals are over, my mind can so easily switch back to all its normal musings instead of blocking them with thoughts of operations analysis, managerial accounting, and global marketing...


Well, time to cry myself to sleep. Maybe it's good that I'm feeling emotions? Ugh...

ACOA Characteristic #13

"This impulsiveness leads to confusion, self-loathing and loss of control over their environment."

Frustrated by all of the struggles throughout my undergraduate experience due largely to my alcoholic upbringing, I was excited to graduate and start a new life for myself. I was blessed with the opportunity to take on a graduate program at no cost, live in an apartment by myself, and have no additional demands of my time besides one part-time research position. In short, I had the opportunity for an entire year of worrying about nobody but myself, and the chance to perform to my fullest potential in all areas of my life.

Yet, here I am, 3 months into this wonderful 'year' and I still have boxes to unpack from moving, I'm still not getting enough sleep, still not eating well enough, and still trying desperately to catch up in classes--the work for which I am dreadfully behind. Getting a 56% on my first exam in my Master's program pretty much speaks enough to the truth of the situation.

So what's the problem? Why am I not excelling after shedding all the variables in my life I once credited for holding me back? (Note: these questions do not exist without the passionate feelings of subsequent self-hate...)

After getting pulled aside by my academic adviser last week, it became clear that there are certain inherit elements of my personality and behavior that continue to "confine me," as he said, and will continue to do so....and they all seem to relate to impulsiveness. He kindly, though frankly, pointed out that I have an unsatisfied need for perfection and a desperation to please others. While this relates to other ACOA characteristics, it was how I handled the information that made my impulsive nature became very clear.

I spoke to him about how far behind I was in my classes and that I didn't know how I would ever be able to catch up in a timely manner--yet this did nothing to stop me from tackling the work in the exact same way I hoped to at the start of the semester. I still read every single word, tried to do the homework problems I missed, tried outlining the chapters, etc... While the tasks themselves are those of integrity, they don't make sense given the current situation. After working for two days straight in one subject, I was only frustrated that I still was not caught up--and that my dishes had piled up in the meantime, not to mention the various other housekeeping tasks that went overlooked. Fed up, I turned to some reflective reading where I found the following quote:

"Besides the noble art of getting things done, there is the noble art of leaving things undone. The wisdom of life consists in the elimination of non-essentials." ~Lin Yutang

I realized that my impulsiveness lies in my inability to let anything go. I was unable to let go of the fact that I was unprepared for my exam, and so even after the event is over and done with, I am still trying to perform my original tasks as though I'm attempting to prepare for the exam that I know I already failed! When I realized this, it suddenly made sense as to why my environment seems out-of-control--I've created unnecessary chaos in continually placing all of my effort into one thing and everything at the same time.

What's quite unfortunate is that even though I can now recognize this, I don't know how to change it yet. Though I wish simple recognition of problems magically solved them, I guess life doesn't work that way--I need to take responsibility for my own actions...and my own recovery. As I strive, I've found myself repeating the following quote I learned this past weekend:

"If you always do what you've always done. You'll always get what you always got." ~Yogi Berra

These words have helped me to consider each action I take in any given moment, and the rationalization behind it. Such opportunities allow me to take everything into consideration according to my daily (and only daily) goals. I'm hoping that some of the changes I've made will soon pay off... and not just at a 56% rate...

[[So, this post was not what I originally thought it would be. I am excited to share with you some large recovery steps I've made and how they are helping me. In turn, I'm hoping to blog more often--not something I've "always done" and therefore hoping for different results. Stay tuned... and HOLD ME TO IT!]]

Torn Emotions

I miss blogging...

At the moment, I'm feeling rather jealous because my boyfriend is out "having pizza" with his soccer team after he said earlier that he wouldn't have time to come visit me. Granted, this is completely acceptable and fine (I'm a decent 30 minute drive from him, anyway), and we did not have plans. But let's be real: I'm upset because I'm sure he's having a few beers.

I guess I should restate that as well--for once, I'm not really feeling jealous. I'm more thinking I'm feeling jealous. The difference? My muscles aren't tense, and I don't have the urge to scream. But I wonder why I even care at all.

But then I think about all the times I went to my dad's softball games when I was young. I loved watching him play, and cheering him on, and dancing around when the team won. What I didn't like was getting stuck there till all hours of the night, waiting for the beer to run out. I went as far as dunking my head in a cooler of melted ice and flinging around my long hair screaming "Look, I'm in a Pantene Pro-V Commercial! I've got hair so healthy, it shines!" But hardly anything could get his attention away from the "festivities" that surrounded them.

Are my thoughts regarding the current situation resurfacing from feelings of the past? Am I in need of some overdue attention that makes a subconscious connection between someone else drinking and not talking to me?

The research would suggest this is true. I'm exemplifying a few ACOA characteristics in this situation: need for attention, thinking the world revolves around me, and wanted to shake the boat while the water is calm (I'm really wanting to ignore the boyfriend's phone call when he calls, just to make like I'm upset), and probably more...

Ugh, I hate games. Mind games, beer games, the game of Life (except the board game, I like that...)...

Right now I need to figure out how to comprehend not feeling upset, but not wanting to feel okay with him being out... I was having such a happy-go-lucky night, too, and now I think I'll just go to bed...

Do you ever feel like this?

There's Always Time...

“Though no one can go back and make a brand new start, anyone can start from now and make a brand new ending.” ~Carl Bard

This has always been one of my favorite quotes. It was on the wall in whatever high school I took my ACT College Prep exam. I've never been able to find out who Carl Bard is (then again, I've never really looked very hard...), but his quote always helps me to step out of the past and into the future.

I keep dwelling on the fact that I still haven't finished the blog post I've been trying to complete since last December. Well here's this one instead. I'm dwelling on a lot of other personal weaknesses, too. Well, they'll always be there; so I can either live with them, or let them live my life. Well, as any good ACOA, I like being in control.

Tonight I went to the library.
Then I went to the gym.
Now, I'm writing this post.
I feel good.

What have you been putting off?

More to come... Oh, so much more...

Gaining Comfort with Good Relationships

(If you wish to see this blog's first entry, click here.)

Today, I came across the movie, Mona Lisa Smile when mindlessly channel surfing. I remembered being incredibly intrigued by the movie when it first came out, particularly because of the main character's advocation for free thinking and challenging conformity. There was one scene that stuck in my mind the minute I experienced it, and it was to witness this scene again that I watched the whole movie this afternoon.

In the scene, Julia Roberts' character (Katherine Watson) approaches Julia Stiles' character (Joan Brandwyn) to discuss options for attending law school after graduation as opposed to becoming a housewife (the norm of the 1954 movie setting that Katherine strongly rejects).

Much to Katherine's dismay, Joan announces that she has shelved her law school dreams in order to pursue her greater dream of becoming a wife and mother. As she shows Katherine her ring from her very recent elopement, Joan addresses Katherine's apparent attitude of disappointment:

"You stand in class and tell us to look beyond the image, but you don't. To you a housewife is someone who sold her soul for a center hall colonial. She has no depth, no intellect, no interests. You're the one who said I could do anything I wanted. This is what I want."

At this point in the movie, I had felt very attached to Katherine. So much so that when Joan spoke these words, they seemed to cut into me as much as they were meant to affect the character, Katherine. Why did it bother me? Because I strongly felt that marriage was a sacrifice of self and that women who grew up with the goal of getting married were weak, dependent, and afraid of being alone.

But not me. I didn't need anybody else in my life. I didn't need anyone to take care of me. I was perfectly fine being by myself and calling my own shots, and because of this comfort, I 'knew' that God was calling me to "the single life." Besides, I had far too much baggage to burden another person with--to do so would mean a less enjoyable life for the other person. Yep, being single was definitely the only way to live life happily--with no limited options or choices, which meant I could help so many more people than just a husband and a few kids.

Oh, how I realized today how much of this thinking relates to the qualities of an ACOA. Not only did I not have one single positive example of a healthy relationship in my life, I also viewed a "normal" way of living in marriage as something that simply didn't interest me. Why didn't it interest me? For the same reason it would disinterest most ACOAs: fear.

I've learned that my projected confidence in being able to support myself comes from the ACOA characteristic of needing absolute control, which stems from the upbringing of always needing to fend for myself, since my parents wouldn't/couldn't support me. A marriage means a relationship, which means share of control. ACOAs fear loss of control, which is why I might have viewed marriage as a "self-sacrifice."

Feeling that any aspect of me as a person or the life I live(d) would be a "burden" to another person stems from the ACOA characteristic of low self-esteem. (It is important to note that having self-confidence is not necessarily the same as having a high self-esteem.) Having low self-esteem is fearing that others won't/can't accept you for who you are. This was my case.

Finally, feeling that life happiness is measured by the number of people I can help relates to the ACOA characteristic of constantly putting others before myself. This seems to connect with a fear of what others might think, or a fear of failure.

I think these fears, and many more, might relate to any healthy relationship with an ACOA. When things are the best they can be, the ACOA can always find something to criticize, or something that was a disappointment. This is most often an action of the ACOA's partner that the ACOA took very personally based on the ACOA's own, misconstrued interpretations. These "misconstrued interpretations," I feel, are the largest stress source for both parties involved because they are related to shaky assumptions/expectations that the ACOA develops in attempting to "guess what normal is."

This, at least, has been the truth in my personal relationship. I've found that most of the 'problems' and conflicts that have arisen are strictly rooted in the way I interpret things, assume things, expect things, and fill in the blanks about ANYTHING my boyfriend does or doesn't say/do. Letting the fear of what might be thought of me infringe on my ability to ask questions and express my feelings has only caused me to revert to what I am used to as an ACOA: turning on the numb, and separating myself. This has been exposed in the ways I constantly degrade myself for burdening my boyfriend, turning the accusation on him as, "Look how sad I've made you. See? I told you you weren't ready for this. This is just too hard, and I really think I'm just better off on my own." (Take note how in this example, I seem to be taking all the blame so as to keep all the control--I feel like this can especially be seen in saying "I told you..." Wow, it's weird analyzing your own actions...)

In many of our conflicts, my boyfriend has implored through his tears, "Why can't you just be happy being happy?" While I don't think anyone wants to be unhappy, I feel like this reaction of another person relates to yet another ACOA characteristic of only knowing chaos, and therefore only being comfortable with chaos (subconsciously, of course!). An article that particularly spoke to me when I was contemplating ending my relationship with my boyfriend talks about the reasons why us ACOAs seem to run from good relationships. It seemed to affect my sister as well, when I sent it to her after she broke up with her AMAZING boyfriend for "no good reason really." When her statements continued with "I'm not even upset, and I don't know why. Oh well, this is the story of my life," I saw a pretty good example of what this article was talking about.

If you are in a recognizably healthy relationship and are considering ending it for seemingly large reasons, let me offer you some things to ponder before you make any rash decisions...

1. Name the specific elements you deem "problems."
2. Why are they "problems"? What exactly are they affecting about YOU?
3. Take note of your different emotions and feelings associated with the "problems." Do they relate to anything in your upbringing or ACOA characteristics?
   
4. Have you brought these issues/aspects to the attention of your partner?
5. If not, discuss them with your partner in a non-threatening way in which you personalize your "problems" as "things you struggle with." KEEP IN MIND, however, that your partner might still take these things very personally, so don't overwhelm him or her with everything that's ever bothered you all at once.
   

(If these things seem like MOUNTAINS of a task, I'd suggest reading Janet Woititz's Life Skills for Adult Children)

If you are in a relationship where your partner (or friend, or relative...whatever!) sincerely loves you, then it's only fair to give him or her the courtesy of learning exactly where he or she is coming from, and not basing your "problems" off of personal assumptions and unexplained interpretations. Your partner will appreciate you making the effort to learn more about him or her than you walking away "out of nowhere" (it would probably seem like that). More importantly, you will gain a comfort in being able to base your feelings and emotions on facts, and not on assumptions. Remember: YOU HAVE A RIGHT TO YOUR FEELINGS. However, I don't feel that you have the right to hold how you feel against another person if how you feel is based solely on your personal interpretations, and not on reality--perception is reality, they say; but, things are not always what they seem...so find out the truth before you run.

In the end, rejoice in who you are, and embrace the love others have for you. I have no doubt that you have many reasons for others to love and appreciate and enjoy you. If you find yourself thinking, "no, I'm not special, I don't see why anyone would even like me..." realize that this is a programmed response! You even being alive after your upbringing is something to be proud of, and something for others to love. Let them. The more you allow others to love you, the more you will be able to love yourself.

(Oh, and watch Mona Lisa Smile if you get a chance, because I really think the main character, Katherine, might be an ACOA herself based on her thoughts and actions in the movie. I'd be interested to see if you see any similarities...)

Peace be with you.

Products are Made; People are Created

So, I guess when one of the characteristics of ACOAs is having difficulty getting things done, they aren't kidding.

I apologize for being late; finding Pacman on Facebook has not done good things for me!

Anyway, this past weekend, my two "very best friends" came to visit me for the first time since I moved from home about four and a half years ago. They've known me since kindergarten and second grade, respectively.

The weekend ended up being hard for me in that I found out my friends continue to change, but seemingly not for the better. Here, they came to visit in order to make me feel better about stuff going on, when really, I think they may have made me feel worse.

At one point, we were talking about the "accent" of the city I live in, and how some people have it very pronounced, while others don't seem to have it at all. I speculated that it had to do with the type of schooling people had, and whether or not they had Phonics, whereas one of my friends concluded: "Really, it just depends on your parents, and what you were surrounded with growing up. That's what shapes you as a person altogether, really."

This got me thinking.

I've always been one to preach that we needn't be a product of our surroundings. I've especially said this when others feel sorry for themselves for their upbringing and how they feel that, for some reason, it might keep them from becoming who they want to be.

I say: no. We are autonomous beings--we are able to make our own decisions and educate ourselves. I use the example of my parents--two incredibly intelligent and talented engineers gone completely worthless thanks to alcoholism--and how I REFUSE to be like them. This decision, in and of itself, could arguably be the same thing as becoming a product, in the sense of allowing the situation to shape my decisions. But for point's sake, and for the sake of not getting too philosophical, I would say that being a "product" is being the totality of many pieces--something that's manufactured. Therefore, if I were a product of my surrounding, I would be much more similar to my parents than I am today.

However, the more I learn about ACOAs, the more I wonder if we are wired to be the cause of our seemingly inevitable demise. It seems that unless one happens to stumble upon some sort of resource, that person will turn out to be a product of the surroundings, even in the midst of the decision to live an opposite lifestyle. What's more disheartening is that even if you are able to stumble upon resources, they simply label all the ways your are contributing to your own demise. Ugh!

I guess my real question is this: how much of our backgrounds play a part in who we are as people, aside from what we are as ACOAs? How much of a role do surroundings play a part in anyone's life as a person comes into full creation and being? What about the purpose of autonomy?

I guess I ask this because there comes a time when we want to hold other people's lives/upbringing against them because it is different from that of our own. They might "not understand" they probably "can't relate" and surely have "no idea" the kind of struggles we have in our lives. But is it right to hold that against them and then make decisions about our relationship with these people based on our own upbringing? That seems hypocritical...

Are we truly escaping from our past so as to evolve into our own, or are we just letting it add to the pieces that might formulate us as a product?

The only stopping point I can come to is this: products are manufactured; people are created. To be a product is to allow the mechanics of our lives to run their course and determine our every move and decision...to live our life as ACOAs and only that. However, to live as a person is to live as a Child of God, who created us. Isn't this related to the "second step"? I think it's something like, "accepted that there is a Higher Power greater than us that can restore our sanity..." Well, accept this Higher Power, and start living for it. Make decisions in your life according to God's Will--recognize the fears and difficulties that may come from our backgrounds as ACOAs, but use them as a point from which to transcend to have a life God wants for you...

... a happy one.

No personal destruction, no manufacturing, only the realization of you as a creation outside of anything having to do with alcoholism at all.

Let's recognize how the past may have affected us, but refuse to let it make us who we are.

I love you.

You are not Alone

It's been about a month since I first learned about blogging more in-depth. Funny how findings from an Internet Marketing class turn into therapeutic practices.

Learning about blogging came at the perfect time when that which unknowingly controls my life more than I ever thought decided to step in some more to complicate the best thing going for me.

I am an ACOA--Adult Child of an Alcoholic. Two alcoholics, actually. Though I thought moving away from the situation when I was seventeen and making a completely different life for myself would help, I realized that what shapes you stays with you...more than you'd like it to.

I'm still doing pretty well with myself, considering where I came from. I'm a senior in college, I have no apparent addictions of my own, I take pride in a wonderful man who loves me, and am keeping myself very busy with various jobs and activities in order to afford to stay in school and secure a nice job upon graduation.

Only, that time is drawing much closer than I realized, and while I live a reflective life on a day-to-day basis, the close of graduation has caused me to do a lot more questioning, searching, and reflecting. And, of course, this has only led to more questioning, searching, and reflecting.

But in this journey, I realized that I am not alone. I realize there are very few like me, but not no one. Someone is out there struggling with similar issues. I know you are, or else there wouldn't be so many books about us. Us ACOAs.

I hope that this might be a place where you can escape from the struggles of your life, find comfort in the empathy of another, and peace that God leaves us hints for our life...we just sometimes have to look for them a little harder than other things in the world...

I don't intend to make this a journal...that's not the purpose of a blog. However, I might need to start with something similar to that before I learn how to target topics and find a steady posting schedule. I'm hoping I will post on Sunday nights so that I can offer a reflection on the previous week and hope for the next one. If you would like me to comment on anything in particular, feel free to comment and make a request.

Good luck, be strong, have Faith.