Cracking the Stone of the Past

I was reading Amy Eden's ACOA blog, and I feel like she wrote a post especially for me regarding frustrations about current situations. Check out the excerpt that follows:

Do you often find yourself thinking, "Why does this seem to always happen....?" Do you realize that OF COURSE it always happens? It always happens because your frame of mind hasn't changed although the situation may have changed -- your frame of mind will continue to interpret things as it does until you reconsider how you view your world.

Think about what frustrates you. Then think about how altering your interpretation -- altering the frame through which you interpret your world -- might alleviate your frustration and bring you a sense of satisfaction.

I have been slowly coming to realize that the only thing I haven't changed about my situation is myself. It sucks that it's the hardest thing to change, but I'm trying! It's interesting how the more I allow for recovery, the more realizations seem to magically become apparent...ever...so...slightly.

The recovery process kind of reminds me of a story about "personal layers" I once heard. It involved a little girl who inherited an old, ugly statue that had been in her family for generations and generations. She didn't know the statue's history, but she decided to somehow make it beautiful. She worked hard and saved up her money to purchase gold leaf so that she could cover the ugly statue.. Excited about her efforts and changes, she rushed the statue to her grandfather to boast about her accomplishments. At the site of the statue, though, the grandfather was surprisingly disdained! The little girl didn't understand, and grew upset because all her hard work was not appreciated. In response to her reaction, the grandfather lovingly took the little girl by the hand and explained that had she taken the time to understand the statue's history, she would find the true beauty already inherent within the stone itself. At that, he took a hammer and chisel to the statue. The little girl watched (somewhat painfully) as he removed all the gold leaf and continued to chisel and chip at the stone itself. As he worked, larger pieces began to fall off revealing what appeared to be a slightly smaller statue inside the stone. When the stone was completely removed, the grandfather began to polish the inner statue, revealing the the statue itself was made of pure gold...

I feel like I have been trying to cover up my past with gold leaf. This seems like the same concept as changing everything about a situation but oneself--the common alcoholic nature of "putting on the show" that "everything's fine here!" It's difficult that you can't discover the "inner gold" until learning about the history of the stone--not to mention the difficulty and pain in then chipping it all away.

I feel like my mini-realizations are pieces of stone falling away. You've got to feel the pain of the past before being able to work according to the present and toward a better future.

We'll get there... piece by piece... little by little....

ACOA Characteristic #13

"This impulsiveness leads to confusion, self-loathing and loss of control over their environment."

Frustrated by all of the struggles throughout my undergraduate experience due largely to my alcoholic upbringing, I was excited to graduate and start a new life for myself. I was blessed with the opportunity to take on a graduate program at no cost, live in an apartment by myself, and have no additional demands of my time besides one part-time research position. In short, I had the opportunity for an entire year of worrying about nobody but myself, and the chance to perform to my fullest potential in all areas of my life.

Yet, here I am, 3 months into this wonderful 'year' and I still have boxes to unpack from moving, I'm still not getting enough sleep, still not eating well enough, and still trying desperately to catch up in classes--the work for which I am dreadfully behind. Getting a 56% on my first exam in my Master's program pretty much speaks enough to the truth of the situation.

So what's the problem? Why am I not excelling after shedding all the variables in my life I once credited for holding me back? (Note: these questions do not exist without the passionate feelings of subsequent self-hate...)

After getting pulled aside by my academic adviser last week, it became clear that there are certain inherit elements of my personality and behavior that continue to "confine me," as he said, and will continue to do so....and they all seem to relate to impulsiveness. He kindly, though frankly, pointed out that I have an unsatisfied need for perfection and a desperation to please others. While this relates to other ACOA characteristics, it was how I handled the information that made my impulsive nature became very clear.

I spoke to him about how far behind I was in my classes and that I didn't know how I would ever be able to catch up in a timely manner--yet this did nothing to stop me from tackling the work in the exact same way I hoped to at the start of the semester. I still read every single word, tried to do the homework problems I missed, tried outlining the chapters, etc... While the tasks themselves are those of integrity, they don't make sense given the current situation. After working for two days straight in one subject, I was only frustrated that I still was not caught up--and that my dishes had piled up in the meantime, not to mention the various other housekeeping tasks that went overlooked. Fed up, I turned to some reflective reading where I found the following quote:

"Besides the noble art of getting things done, there is the noble art of leaving things undone. The wisdom of life consists in the elimination of non-essentials." ~Lin Yutang

I realized that my impulsiveness lies in my inability to let anything go. I was unable to let go of the fact that I was unprepared for my exam, and so even after the event is over and done with, I am still trying to perform my original tasks as though I'm attempting to prepare for the exam that I know I already failed! When I realized this, it suddenly made sense as to why my environment seems out-of-control--I've created unnecessary chaos in continually placing all of my effort into one thing and everything at the same time.

What's quite unfortunate is that even though I can now recognize this, I don't know how to change it yet. Though I wish simple recognition of problems magically solved them, I guess life doesn't work that way--I need to take responsibility for my own actions...and my own recovery. As I strive, I've found myself repeating the following quote I learned this past weekend:

"If you always do what you've always done. You'll always get what you always got." ~Yogi Berra

These words have helped me to consider each action I take in any given moment, and the rationalization behind it. Such opportunities allow me to take everything into consideration according to my daily (and only daily) goals. I'm hoping that some of the changes I've made will soon pay off... and not just at a 56% rate...

[[So, this post was not what I originally thought it would be. I am excited to share with you some large recovery steps I've made and how they are helping me. In turn, I'm hoping to blog more often--not something I've "always done" and therefore hoping for different results. Stay tuned... and HOLD ME TO IT!]]

There's Always Time...

“Though no one can go back and make a brand new start, anyone can start from now and make a brand new ending.” ~Carl Bard

This has always been one of my favorite quotes. It was on the wall in whatever high school I took my ACT College Prep exam. I've never been able to find out who Carl Bard is (then again, I've never really looked very hard...), but his quote always helps me to step out of the past and into the future.

I keep dwelling on the fact that I still haven't finished the blog post I've been trying to complete since last December. Well here's this one instead. I'm dwelling on a lot of other personal weaknesses, too. Well, they'll always be there; so I can either live with them, or let them live my life. Well, as any good ACOA, I like being in control.

Tonight I went to the library.
Then I went to the gym.
Now, I'm writing this post.
I feel good.

What have you been putting off?

More to come... Oh, so much more...