The ACOA Rush of Emotions

It's amazing to me how the simplest things could cause so much stress, frustration, and sadness...

I just don't ever know how to handle this stuff... I feel like I can't trust my thoughts or my feelings...

You probably won't take away much from the following, but I just had to get it out of my system (It's faster to type than to write). I figured, too, that maybe it might make you feel better knowing 'there's someone else out there' in case you've ever had a similar rush or state of confusion--regardless of which side of "The Conversation" you were on...


The Conversation:

Boyfriend: "So, are we still going to the orchestra on Saturday?"
Me: "Um, well I really want to, but I haven't had a chance to call back about ticket info."
BF: "Okay, well if you could call and find out tomorrow, that'd be great. Let me know what the details are because one of my friends is in from out of town and he's having a party at one of the local bars. I thought if we didn't go to the orchestra, we could maybe go there instead. Or, if we do go to the orchestra, we could stop by the bar afterwards or something. Just throwing it out there..."
Me: "Oh... ... ..." [see The Thought Process below]
BF: "Are you okay?"
Me: "mm...uh...yeah"
BF: "What's up, hunny?"
Me: "Well, it's just that I feel like you'd rather go with your friends than go to the orchestra."
BF: "No, I want to go with you! We've been talking about this for awhile!"
Me: "Yeah, but I feel like you only want to go to the orchestra because it's a chance for us to do something together. I can't help, though, but feel like you'd actually prefer for us to go to the bar to see your friends over going to the orchestra."
BF: "Well, yeah; but I want to go to the orchestra because it's something you want to do. Besides, I'll have other times I'll be seeing my friends over the holiday break, and I already told them that I probably couldn't make it on Saturday."
Me: " *Sigh* Sorry, it's just that I feel like I'd be taking you away from your friends and what you'd prefer to do..."
BF: "N-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-no...that's not the case! Don't worry about it at all. Let's go to the orchestra on Saturday and we'll play other things by ear"
Me: "Okay...."

The Thought Process
Oh, that's right; I forgot to call back about the tickets!
I am so excited to see the orchestra's Christmas concert!
This should be so much fun, we've never been to the orchestra together!
I hope I can convince the ticket office to give me the discounted rate...
What? His friends want to have a party at the bar?
Crap, if he tries to back out on this, I will be so mad! We've bee talking about this for months!!!
Oh, he still wants to go.... but maybe stop by the bar afterwards?
Yeah, because the thing I'd love to do after a wonderful evening is show up in orchestra-attire at the bar and watch everyone around me get shit-faced.
Stop it, you're overreacting--people are simply getting together because everyone is in town for the holidays--it could be a fun, relaxing time.
Crap, what am I thinking?! He's only been to the orchestra when he was a kid--that's not his thing! There's no way if I weren't in the picture he would ever choose to go to the orchestra over going to the bar with his friends.
Dammit, I'll be keeping him from his friends. The entire night, all he'll be thinking about is, "Hmm, I wonder what everyone is doing at the bar? I wonder if we'll be able to stop by afterwards... gosh, how much longer is this thing gonna go?
UGH!!! This sucks! I don't even want to go to the bar AT ALL to see his friends! I'm so selfish! He's willing to do something with me that I want to do, but there's not any part of me that wants to return the favor and do something he wants to do when it has anything to do with the bar.
Shut up, that's not the case. He knows how the bar affects you, you're not being selfish, you're setting boundaries.
Crap, he's seeing his friends how many times over break? I'll be out of town when his friends have their big Christmas party--the one that last year someone got rushed to the hospital in an ambulance for a head injury because he was so drunk and had to have medical procedures performed because his blood alcohol level was so high? Shit, shit, shit!
I don't want him out with his friends without me... I don't want to keep him from his friends... Crap, my chest is tightening up...
Damnit, I hate this! I can't deal with this! I know he's not the person I want him to be--he's changed just to adjust to my discomforts. There's no way that can work in the future... he's bound to bounce back and get pissed because he'll feel like he's sacrificed who he really is for the sake of a potential married life. No, no, no, I won't be able to handle that if that happens....
I know he'd rather go with his friends... He should just go with his friends... I can go to the orchestra by myself...
No I can't, all I'll be doing is thinking of him the whole time... he would never allow that to happen, either. He loves me too much... he just wants to spend time with me.
Ugh! How could he keep saying, "Don't worry about it" ??!? I hate when he says that! I'm not WORRIED--I'm feeling pains from the past---pains I don't even know how to define. I'm sad...I'm hurt... I'm frustrated...I'm tired... I'm sick...
...but I'm not worried... God, just stop saying that!
Jeez, why am I so upset? Why do you even keep asking yourself that question? There's no answer.
I just hate it... I hate knowing he can have a beer or two with his friends or co-workers or whomever and that it means absolutely nothing. It means absolutely nothing, and yet it's something that I can't force him to stop.
I bet that's why he didn't come over last night. He was at a Christmas party. I bet he had a beer...it sounded like he did on the phone...I bet he knew I'd smell it on his breath and that it would make me upset.
God, will you stop trying to project thoughts and feelings onto other people? Just trust him like you know you can! He's not your parents! He's not sick! Just believe what he says and take it for what it's worth!
I can't...this can't work... I just want this to all go away.... why did he even have to bring up the outing with his friends? When will he ever GET IT!??!?!?!?!?!?!??!?
I hate the holidays.... I hate people getting together.... I hate having to see (or not see) my family...
I just want to go to sleep.
Why does this have to even MATTER!?
Great, now that Finals are over, my mind can so easily switch back to all its normal musings instead of blocking them with thoughts of operations analysis, managerial accounting, and global marketing...


Well, time to cry myself to sleep. Maybe it's good that I'm feeling emotions? Ugh...

Choosing Recovery Over Performance

I'm still so tired from the let-downs and work overload from this past week...
Now I face the fears of potential failure for the week that follows...
So much work, and definitely not enough time...
I figured, "I don't have time to go to my Al-Anon Adult Children meeting tonight; that's two hours out of my evening that I could be trying to finish my project due tomorrow..."

But right now I am making the decision to choose taking care of myself by taking advantage of an opportunity for even a small increase in sanity...

...and choosing to leave my work for later, resolving that what I do not complete by 10:30pm will become the responsibility of the other 4 members in my group to scramble around and finish sometime tomorrow...

*deep breathe*

I don't like this...

Cracking the Stone of the Past

I was reading Amy Eden's ACOA blog, and I feel like she wrote a post especially for me regarding frustrations about current situations. Check out the excerpt that follows:

Do you often find yourself thinking, "Why does this seem to always happen....?" Do you realize that OF COURSE it always happens? It always happens because your frame of mind hasn't changed although the situation may have changed -- your frame of mind will continue to interpret things as it does until you reconsider how you view your world.

Think about what frustrates you. Then think about how altering your interpretation -- altering the frame through which you interpret your world -- might alleviate your frustration and bring you a sense of satisfaction.

I have been slowly coming to realize that the only thing I haven't changed about my situation is myself. It sucks that it's the hardest thing to change, but I'm trying! It's interesting how the more I allow for recovery, the more realizations seem to magically become apparent...ever...so...slightly.

The recovery process kind of reminds me of a story about "personal layers" I once heard. It involved a little girl who inherited an old, ugly statue that had been in her family for generations and generations. She didn't know the statue's history, but she decided to somehow make it beautiful. She worked hard and saved up her money to purchase gold leaf so that she could cover the ugly statue.. Excited about her efforts and changes, she rushed the statue to her grandfather to boast about her accomplishments. At the site of the statue, though, the grandfather was surprisingly disdained! The little girl didn't understand, and grew upset because all her hard work was not appreciated. In response to her reaction, the grandfather lovingly took the little girl by the hand and explained that had she taken the time to understand the statue's history, she would find the true beauty already inherent within the stone itself. At that, he took a hammer and chisel to the statue. The little girl watched (somewhat painfully) as he removed all the gold leaf and continued to chisel and chip at the stone itself. As he worked, larger pieces began to fall off revealing what appeared to be a slightly smaller statue inside the stone. When the stone was completely removed, the grandfather began to polish the inner statue, revealing the the statue itself was made of pure gold...

I feel like I have been trying to cover up my past with gold leaf. This seems like the same concept as changing everything about a situation but oneself--the common alcoholic nature of "putting on the show" that "everything's fine here!" It's difficult that you can't discover the "inner gold" until learning about the history of the stone--not to mention the difficulty and pain in then chipping it all away.

I feel like my mini-realizations are pieces of stone falling away. You've got to feel the pain of the past before being able to work according to the present and toward a better future.

We'll get there... piece by piece... little by little....

Healthy?

http://20outof10.blogspot.com/2008/04/i-hate-alcohol.html

I stumbled upon this post from a registered nurse. While it makes me feel better to have some of my feelings shared by 'an outsider,' it still makes me wonder the best way to feel: come to a point where I can approve alcohol as being "okay" in moderation, or reject it personally and just "accept" that it's out there...?

Refer to my post from last year for a reminder about some ways I drive myself crazy in thinking about alcohol...

Does it bother you when other people drink?

"How Important is it?"

One of Al-Anon's slogans is, "How Important is it?" While I realize it's a tool, like the other slogans, to help aid in detachment from the troubles an alcoholic may cause in one's life, I'm having trouble finding out how to implement this (as well as the other tools) as there is no active alcoholic in my living environment.

The idea of this slogan is particularly perplexing to me when used in connection with the First Step of realizing my life is unmanageable. Well, it's easy for me to consider my life unmanageable (as described in my recent posts where I've talked about how I still can't seem to improve my situation no matter how many things I change about it, and how things not going my way finally led me to my first Al-Anon meeting). So, especially when I'm down about everything seeming so out of control, then how helpful is "how important is it"?

As I continue hearing it, I wonder how I'm supposed to use the tool in a healthy way. I keep seeing myself using it to detach from the things that are getting me down: "how important is it that... ...the sink is full of dishes...boxes are all over the floor ...food is rotting in the fridge ...I don't have enough time to eat before I go to work ...I didn't finish studying ...? etc...." I feel like my implication is not healthy. Yet, I feel like the whole concept of 'detachment' is just a glorified form of 'denial' that at least might give me some peace in the meantime. I don't like that...

I'm still learning how this is supposed to work, but I can't help but feel that 'detaching' is becoming more 'alcoholic.' I feel like my parents only ever said, "how important is it," which resulted in a living situation that looked like this:


This is the view from the front door of my father's living room. My mother's house looked pretty similar, even when my parents were still married.

Not caring about the things that make me anxious makes me feel like I'm clinging to a 'bottle' called 'slogan' that simply helps me to ignore the elements that make my life unmanageable to begin with.

I guess I just don't understand the difference between detachment and apathy....

Where is the happy medium where I can care about things, but not be consumed by them? Everything just seems so intertwined that everything is "important"!

?~?~?~?~?~?~?~?

"I'm Scared"

I'm sobbing in my apartment right now and I couldn't have even seen this coming. I was absolutely fine not minutes ago--then all of a sudden I felt like I had to "make" something of the time I finally had to have a conversation with my boyfriend, so of course I tried to talk about what's on my mind--bring him into my world so that maybe he could offer a different vantage point--and of course, my expectations let me down.

Then, I feel like I frustrated him, even though he told me I didn't. Then I keep wondering why he never says anything when I try to share these things with him and can sit in total silence on the phone and then sound annoyed that I then "quiz him on his thoughts and feelings." Why am I so upset? I feel like the most important thing to him right now is that he doesn't miss the beginning of the movie he's about to watch. Why can't we just have a deep conversation for once--or at least one that doesn't leave me feeling so alone!?

It was that quote from my Al-Anon meeting tonight: "love cannot flow through a heart of fear and resentment." Especially right now, though, I can see how true it is. I'm obviously full of resentment as I sit here balling and angrily questioning my entire relationship just because my boyfriend doesn't communicate the same way I do. Seeing how I immediately started apologizing for upsetting him--even though he did nothing to show that was the case and became confused with my apologies--it's easy to see that I'm fearful. Finally, with how absolutely alone I feel right now, it's clear to see how I'm not accepting the love I know my boyfriend has for me, or else I wouldn't be feeling so hopeless.

But the truth is: I am scared. I'm scared about my relationship. Especially after tonight's speaker talking about Love, peaking my OCD nature to remind me of something I've noticed ever since I first walked into a meeting: very few people are married, and if they are, they go to meetings together because their child is an alcoholic.

This only flares up my old absolutely stubborn thoughts about refusing to become another ACOA statistic who either becomes an alcoholic, or marries one. Where are all the success stories of people who came from chaos, but managed to make a happy life for themselves? Why aren't they speaking at these meetings? Why must all the positive still carry so much NEGATIVE?!?

I am scared. I'm scared I'll be another woman in the room who came from an alcoholic upbringing and unknowingly married an alcoholic. I"m scared I'll run away from an opportunity to have a great life just because I'm afraid of the risk. I'm scared my boyfriend will finally get sick of my whining and break up with me. I'm scared we'll get married and he'll get tired of me someday. I'm scared to have children. I'm scared that a child of mine may become an alcoholic. I'm scared to have to deal with these issues MY WHOLE LIFE. I'm scared my boyfriend won't ever go to these meetings with me so that we actually can talk about this stuff...

...and now I'm scared I won't be able to get all of this off my mind to successfully study and fall asleep tonight...

"Just for today I will try to live this day only and not try to tackle all my problems at once." Al-Anon's Just for Today

My First Al-Anon Meeting

The Serenity Prayer
God, grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I can,
and the wisdom to know the difference.

I heard this prayer a lot growing up. While I thought it was another piece of poetry to simply help me ignore anything in my 'reality' and distract myself with thoughts of 'heaven,' I was always intrigued by it...basically from the standpoint of not understanding the last line.
With the realization from home that no one else would take care of me except me and the teachings from school that one person could change the world, I thought the last line was sort of a trick. "haha," I would think, "I get it--the difference is that there is no difference! Anything I can't directly change I can affect by changing other things..." Painfully, I’m now realizing this isn’t the case…

What I’m learning now is that even in all my ACOA self-centeredness, I haven’t spent enough time changing the only thing I do have power over—myself. Yet, I guess that’s the point of being self-centered—everything else revolves around you and changes according to your will and choices, as opposed to you, the person, doing any changing and letting ‘everything else’ fall into its own place. I had a hunch that I was missing something regarding only myself over this past summer.

This summer was supposed to be easy. I was supposed to have an easy internship that raked in some cash to make for an easier transition into my first apartment. This nice arrangement was supposed to give me plenty of time and peace to set everything up in my apartment exactly as I wanted and in plenty of time before the school year started so that I could have no excuses as to why I wasn’t able to perform to the level I knew I could. If you read my recent post, you know this didn’t turn out as it was “supposed to.”

I disdainfully noticed exactly what was happening—things weren’t going my way! I grumped around (and still do…) complaining that "no matter what I try to change, still nothing goes how it’s meant to!" These feelings were particularly noticeable in my relationship as between my boyfriend and me, we attended six summer weddings. When we weren’t at one together, I couldn’t function the entire time he was gone. I found myself paralyzed in my wonderings of his every thought, word, and action—was he excited to be there without me? Was he excited that he could get away with having a few beers without me knowing? Did he think of me with every sip of alcohol? Did he care about how every sip my parents took worsened my life? Even though I know he’s not getting drunk, does he care that others are? Does he wish he could get drunk too? Etc, etc, etc… Suddenly, my morning, afternoon, and/or evening was gone; I was exhausted, and just plain sad. This made it particularly difficult when he would call after the celebrations and ask, “How are you?” What was I supposed to say? It was even more difficult when I would ask, “So, how was everything?” and only hear, “it was good!” As you can imagine, I felt like I was left completely hanging, even though my boyfriend had no concept of anything that went through my mind the entire time he was supporting a happy occasion.

Of course, when I would share such feelings and distresses with him, it left both of us feeling frustrated, guilty, and confused.

Because of all this stress I felt my personal issues brought to our relationship, when my boyfriend’s birthday came along, buying any kind of ‘present’ for him seemed meaningless. Even though I got so frustrated and worked up about his personal actions and choices, I still recognized that he did make a lot of effort to help and support me---not to mention love me without condition. I wanted to show him I appreciated him and that I didn’t want to bring any more stress to our relationship. As I searched through my ‘barrel,’ I realized I already read a ton of ACOA books, had him read books on ACOAs and relationships, talked to counselors, and performed my own research, but nothing seemed to better the situation. Then, at the bottom of my barrel, I found ‘Al-Anon Adult Child meeting.’ As I considered the option in light of my situation, I accepted it as an undesirable and inconvenient. Yet, when I thought about how much I loved my boyfriend—and how much he loved me—I realized it would be very selfish of me not to do something that could help our relationship (and ultimately, me) just because I didn’t feel like it, or because it might actually take some effort on my part. So, I bit the bullet and went, bringing him some literature from the meeting as a symbol of my gift. I described the experience to a reader of my blog in a recent email response:

“After a long summer of a countless number of weddings, I was feeling particularly exhausted from the emotional turmoil I was experiencing regarding my boyfriend's participation in such weddings. I know he was feeling exhausted from the turmoil as well, and I recognized the strain it placed on our relationship. So, for the sake of his birthday, I thought I'd take a HUUUUUUUUUUUGE personal step and attend an Al-Anon Adult Child meeting. These are few and far between, but I made the drive to learn how my upbringing has affected me as an adult, and how I should still consider the alcoholics in my life. Well, I have continued to attend these meetings and have even started attending another general Al-Anon meeting during the week. While the program is not the ‘educational’ venue I wish it could be (there is nothing to ‘teach’ in terms of recovery), it has helped me learn more than any ACOA book I've read. It's almost like I'm finally being held to all of the things I realized through those other books. It has also helped me cope with struggles within my relationship and find out that certain ways I was POSITIVE were great ways in thinking (or absolutely never questioned) were some of the most destructive behaviors in my life…I was reading books for over a year and only growing more frustrated, along with my boyfriend. These Al-Anon meetings have been the first thing that has caused me to think in terms of ways I can take action to improve my behavior. It wasn't until my 5th meeting that I stopped thinking, ‘When am I actually going to get anything out of this?’ but after that meeting, I've taken something away from EVERY meeting. Check out http://www.al-anonfamilygroups.org/meetings/meeting.html to find a meeting in your area. Ones marked "AAC" are specifically tailored to Adult Children of Alcoholics, but if you can't get to any of those in your area, any general Al-Anon meeting would suffice.”

Now I have much to say from my Al-Anon experiences (positive and negative), but I think I will keep some of the thoughts for future posts, instead of bombarding you with anything and everything I’ve thought thus far… But, I would like to share with you the reflections I wrote in my notebook after my first meeting (below). I hope they’re helpful to you, or at least thought-provoking.

More ramblings to come!

7/20/08 – First AAC Meeting

Memorable quote from the meeting: “If you planted a seed, stop pulling it out by the roots to see if it’s growing…”

~The meeting wasn’t as weird as I thought it would be. It was clear that everyone there had a general understanding of what to do and what everything was about—an understanding that might take me awhile to achieve.

~I felt awkward when everyone clapped for me when I had to announce that it was my first meeting. Thank God I’ll only have to go through it once more for the second meeting.

~S— said [my boyfriend] should come with me to the meetings because he, too, has obviously been affected by my parents’ drinking (through me). I know this kind of thing would make him SO uncomfortable, but I really hope he’s willing to do this with me.

~Of course, what sucks is that there is no general “learning structure”—no “lessons” to be taught or learned. That means healing could take a long time.

~I couldn’t help but giggle when various speakers would introduce themselves and everyone would respond, “Hi,_____” I wanted to break out into that song from Rent… “there’s only us, there’s only this…”

~It was slightly uncomfortable for everyone to stand in a circle and hold hands while saying a prayer at the end, but it was comforting to hear something familiar…

~The weirdest part was when everyone chanted something while still holding hands—something about 'keep coming back it works if you do, it don’t if you don’t'… but I can probably get over it…

ACOA Characteristic #13

"This impulsiveness leads to confusion, self-loathing and loss of control over their environment."

Frustrated by all of the struggles throughout my undergraduate experience due largely to my alcoholic upbringing, I was excited to graduate and start a new life for myself. I was blessed with the opportunity to take on a graduate program at no cost, live in an apartment by myself, and have no additional demands of my time besides one part-time research position. In short, I had the opportunity for an entire year of worrying about nobody but myself, and the chance to perform to my fullest potential in all areas of my life.

Yet, here I am, 3 months into this wonderful 'year' and I still have boxes to unpack from moving, I'm still not getting enough sleep, still not eating well enough, and still trying desperately to catch up in classes--the work for which I am dreadfully behind. Getting a 56% on my first exam in my Master's program pretty much speaks enough to the truth of the situation.

So what's the problem? Why am I not excelling after shedding all the variables in my life I once credited for holding me back? (Note: these questions do not exist without the passionate feelings of subsequent self-hate...)

After getting pulled aside by my academic adviser last week, it became clear that there are certain inherit elements of my personality and behavior that continue to "confine me," as he said, and will continue to do so....and they all seem to relate to impulsiveness. He kindly, though frankly, pointed out that I have an unsatisfied need for perfection and a desperation to please others. While this relates to other ACOA characteristics, it was how I handled the information that made my impulsive nature became very clear.

I spoke to him about how far behind I was in my classes and that I didn't know how I would ever be able to catch up in a timely manner--yet this did nothing to stop me from tackling the work in the exact same way I hoped to at the start of the semester. I still read every single word, tried to do the homework problems I missed, tried outlining the chapters, etc... While the tasks themselves are those of integrity, they don't make sense given the current situation. After working for two days straight in one subject, I was only frustrated that I still was not caught up--and that my dishes had piled up in the meantime, not to mention the various other housekeeping tasks that went overlooked. Fed up, I turned to some reflective reading where I found the following quote:

"Besides the noble art of getting things done, there is the noble art of leaving things undone. The wisdom of life consists in the elimination of non-essentials." ~Lin Yutang

I realized that my impulsiveness lies in my inability to let anything go. I was unable to let go of the fact that I was unprepared for my exam, and so even after the event is over and done with, I am still trying to perform my original tasks as though I'm attempting to prepare for the exam that I know I already failed! When I realized this, it suddenly made sense as to why my environment seems out-of-control--I've created unnecessary chaos in continually placing all of my effort into one thing and everything at the same time.

What's quite unfortunate is that even though I can now recognize this, I don't know how to change it yet. Though I wish simple recognition of problems magically solved them, I guess life doesn't work that way--I need to take responsibility for my own actions...and my own recovery. As I strive, I've found myself repeating the following quote I learned this past weekend:

"If you always do what you've always done. You'll always get what you always got." ~Yogi Berra

These words have helped me to consider each action I take in any given moment, and the rationalization behind it. Such opportunities allow me to take everything into consideration according to my daily (and only daily) goals. I'm hoping that some of the changes I've made will soon pay off... and not just at a 56% rate...

[[So, this post was not what I originally thought it would be. I am excited to share with you some large recovery steps I've made and how they are helping me. In turn, I'm hoping to blog more often--not something I've "always done" and therefore hoping for different results. Stay tuned... and HOLD ME TO IT!]]

Torn Emotions

I miss blogging...

At the moment, I'm feeling rather jealous because my boyfriend is out "having pizza" with his soccer team after he said earlier that he wouldn't have time to come visit me. Granted, this is completely acceptable and fine (I'm a decent 30 minute drive from him, anyway), and we did not have plans. But let's be real: I'm upset because I'm sure he's having a few beers.

I guess I should restate that as well--for once, I'm not really feeling jealous. I'm more thinking I'm feeling jealous. The difference? My muscles aren't tense, and I don't have the urge to scream. But I wonder why I even care at all.

But then I think about all the times I went to my dad's softball games when I was young. I loved watching him play, and cheering him on, and dancing around when the team won. What I didn't like was getting stuck there till all hours of the night, waiting for the beer to run out. I went as far as dunking my head in a cooler of melted ice and flinging around my long hair screaming "Look, I'm in a Pantene Pro-V Commercial! I've got hair so healthy, it shines!" But hardly anything could get his attention away from the "festivities" that surrounded them.

Are my thoughts regarding the current situation resurfacing from feelings of the past? Am I in need of some overdue attention that makes a subconscious connection between someone else drinking and not talking to me?

The research would suggest this is true. I'm exemplifying a few ACOA characteristics in this situation: need for attention, thinking the world revolves around me, and wanted to shake the boat while the water is calm (I'm really wanting to ignore the boyfriend's phone call when he calls, just to make like I'm upset), and probably more...

Ugh, I hate games. Mind games, beer games, the game of Life (except the board game, I like that...)...

Right now I need to figure out how to comprehend not feeling upset, but not wanting to feel okay with him being out... I was having such a happy-go-lucky night, too, and now I think I'll just go to bed...

Do you ever feel like this?

There's Always Time...

“Though no one can go back and make a brand new start, anyone can start from now and make a brand new ending.” ~Carl Bard

This has always been one of my favorite quotes. It was on the wall in whatever high school I took my ACT College Prep exam. I've never been able to find out who Carl Bard is (then again, I've never really looked very hard...), but his quote always helps me to step out of the past and into the future.

I keep dwelling on the fact that I still haven't finished the blog post I've been trying to complete since last December. Well here's this one instead. I'm dwelling on a lot of other personal weaknesses, too. Well, they'll always be there; so I can either live with them, or let them live my life. Well, as any good ACOA, I like being in control.

Tonight I went to the library.
Then I went to the gym.
Now, I'm writing this post.
I feel good.

What have you been putting off?

More to come... Oh, so much more...