Gaining Comfort with Good Relationships

(If you wish to see this blog's first entry, click here.)

Today, I came across the movie, Mona Lisa Smile when mindlessly channel surfing. I remembered being incredibly intrigued by the movie when it first came out, particularly because of the main character's advocation for free thinking and challenging conformity. There was one scene that stuck in my mind the minute I experienced it, and it was to witness this scene again that I watched the whole movie this afternoon.

In the scene, Julia Roberts' character (Katherine Watson) approaches Julia Stiles' character (Joan Brandwyn) to discuss options for attending law school after graduation as opposed to becoming a housewife (the norm of the 1954 movie setting that Katherine strongly rejects).

Much to Katherine's dismay, Joan announces that she has shelved her law school dreams in order to pursue her greater dream of becoming a wife and mother. As she shows Katherine her ring from her very recent elopement, Joan addresses Katherine's apparent attitude of disappointment:

"You stand in class and tell us to look beyond the image, but you don't. To you a housewife is someone who sold her soul for a center hall colonial. She has no depth, no intellect, no interests. You're the one who said I could do anything I wanted. This is what I want."

At this point in the movie, I had felt very attached to Katherine. So much so that when Joan spoke these words, they seemed to cut into me as much as they were meant to affect the character, Katherine. Why did it bother me? Because I strongly felt that marriage was a sacrifice of self and that women who grew up with the goal of getting married were weak, dependent, and afraid of being alone.

But not me. I didn't need anybody else in my life. I didn't need anyone to take care of me. I was perfectly fine being by myself and calling my own shots, and because of this comfort, I 'knew' that God was calling me to "the single life." Besides, I had far too much baggage to burden another person with--to do so would mean a less enjoyable life for the other person. Yep, being single was definitely the only way to live life happily--with no limited options or choices, which meant I could help so many more people than just a husband and a few kids.

Oh, how I realized today how much of this thinking relates to the qualities of an ACOA. Not only did I not have one single positive example of a healthy relationship in my life, I also viewed a "normal" way of living in marriage as something that simply didn't interest me. Why didn't it interest me? For the same reason it would disinterest most ACOAs: fear.

I've learned that my projected confidence in being able to support myself comes from the ACOA characteristic of needing absolute control, which stems from the upbringing of always needing to fend for myself, since my parents wouldn't/couldn't support me. A marriage means a relationship, which means share of control. ACOAs fear loss of control, which is why I might have viewed marriage as a "self-sacrifice."

Feeling that any aspect of me as a person or the life I live(d) would be a "burden" to another person stems from the ACOA characteristic of low self-esteem. (It is important to note that having self-confidence is not necessarily the same as having a high self-esteem.) Having low self-esteem is fearing that others won't/can't accept you for who you are. This was my case.

Finally, feeling that life happiness is measured by the number of people I can help relates to the ACOA characteristic of constantly putting others before myself. This seems to connect with a fear of what others might think, or a fear of failure.

I think these fears, and many more, might relate to any healthy relationship with an ACOA. When things are the best they can be, the ACOA can always find something to criticize, or something that was a disappointment. This is most often an action of the ACOA's partner that the ACOA took very personally based on the ACOA's own, misconstrued interpretations. These "misconstrued interpretations," I feel, are the largest stress source for both parties involved because they are related to shaky assumptions/expectations that the ACOA develops in attempting to "guess what normal is."

This, at least, has been the truth in my personal relationship. I've found that most of the 'problems' and conflicts that have arisen are strictly rooted in the way I interpret things, assume things, expect things, and fill in the blanks about ANYTHING my boyfriend does or doesn't say/do. Letting the fear of what might be thought of me infringe on my ability to ask questions and express my feelings has only caused me to revert to what I am used to as an ACOA: turning on the numb, and separating myself. This has been exposed in the ways I constantly degrade myself for burdening my boyfriend, turning the accusation on him as, "Look how sad I've made you. See? I told you you weren't ready for this. This is just too hard, and I really think I'm just better off on my own." (Take note how in this example, I seem to be taking all the blame so as to keep all the control--I feel like this can especially be seen in saying "I told you..." Wow, it's weird analyzing your own actions...)

In many of our conflicts, my boyfriend has implored through his tears, "Why can't you just be happy being happy?" While I don't think anyone wants to be unhappy, I feel like this reaction of another person relates to yet another ACOA characteristic of only knowing chaos, and therefore only being comfortable with chaos (subconsciously, of course!). An article that particularly spoke to me when I was contemplating ending my relationship with my boyfriend talks about the reasons why us ACOAs seem to run from good relationships. It seemed to affect my sister as well, when I sent it to her after she broke up with her AMAZING boyfriend for "no good reason really." When her statements continued with "I'm not even upset, and I don't know why. Oh well, this is the story of my life," I saw a pretty good example of what this article was talking about.

If you are in a recognizably healthy relationship and are considering ending it for seemingly large reasons, let me offer you some things to ponder before you make any rash decisions...

1. Name the specific elements you deem "problems."
2. Why are they "problems"? What exactly are they affecting about YOU?
3. Take note of your different emotions and feelings associated with the "problems." Do they relate to anything in your upbringing or ACOA characteristics?
   
4. Have you brought these issues/aspects to the attention of your partner?
5. If not, discuss them with your partner in a non-threatening way in which you personalize your "problems" as "things you struggle with." KEEP IN MIND, however, that your partner might still take these things very personally, so don't overwhelm him or her with everything that's ever bothered you all at once.
   

(If these things seem like MOUNTAINS of a task, I'd suggest reading Janet Woititz's Life Skills for Adult Children)

If you are in a relationship where your partner (or friend, or relative...whatever!) sincerely loves you, then it's only fair to give him or her the courtesy of learning exactly where he or she is coming from, and not basing your "problems" off of personal assumptions and unexplained interpretations. Your partner will appreciate you making the effort to learn more about him or her than you walking away "out of nowhere" (it would probably seem like that). More importantly, you will gain a comfort in being able to base your feelings and emotions on facts, and not on assumptions. Remember: YOU HAVE A RIGHT TO YOUR FEELINGS. However, I don't feel that you have the right to hold how you feel against another person if how you feel is based solely on your personal interpretations, and not on reality--perception is reality, they say; but, things are not always what they seem...so find out the truth before you run.

In the end, rejoice in who you are, and embrace the love others have for you. I have no doubt that you have many reasons for others to love and appreciate and enjoy you. If you find yourself thinking, "no, I'm not special, I don't see why anyone would even like me..." realize that this is a programmed response! You even being alive after your upbringing is something to be proud of, and something for others to love. Let them. The more you allow others to love you, the more you will be able to love yourself.

(Oh, and watch Mona Lisa Smile if you get a chance, because I really think the main character, Katherine, might be an ACOA herself based on her thoughts and actions in the movie. I'd be interested to see if you see any similarities...)

Peace be with you.

Quit Monkeying Around...

I am crazy enough to have rationalized that the more alcohol you drink, the more like a monkey you become. I have sometime stated this in other words saying, "you preferring drunkenness tells me you'd rather be a monkey than a human being." My "reasoning" (if you dare call it that) is the subject of this blog post.

Last week, one of my friends sent me an email. She is currently studying abroad in Spain, and has discovered her "partier within." However, she reflects:

"When I think about the times that I have gone out here, or the times when I have been drunk, I feel like I have sacrificed who I actually am. Why would I want that? It's not living my potential."

This made me think of something my boyfriend said a few weeks ago when I was trying (ever so unsuccessfully) to describe my newfound honesty in expressing my feelings in response to him drinking (at all):

"I don't go out to get drunk. I don't like the way I feel when I do."

These remarks reminded me of an incident that happened last year, and caused me to question (again) a line of reasoning I tried to disprove (but not successfully).

Last year, I remember feeling very upset when my boyfriend called me while he was drunk--and when I say "drunk" I mean WOOOOOOOHOOOO! drunk.

It was not the first time it happened, but I noticed myself getting more and more upset each time he'd call with his happy-go-lucky, drunken personality. My mind told me to "cut it out" that he was "just having a good time," and that he was " being completely responsible," but regardless my "logic," I still felt awful.

That particular night, I wanted to find out exactly what made me so upset. This was before I learned anything about ACOAs, but I still figured part of my upset nature was due to my upbringing according to two alcoholic parents. Because I recognized this, I wanted to try extra hard at naming exactly what aspect of my boyfriend being drunk made me feel angry, sad, disappointed, betrayed, frustrated, and hopeless all at the same time.

Trying as hard as I could to step out of my own shoes and strip away any effect parental alcoholism would have on my feelings, I was able to realize a main aspect of what upset me:

When my boyfriend was drunk, I felt like he wasn't himself.

This realization provoked more questioning: why would he not seem like himself?

This was easy to answer. "Because alcohol is a brain-altering drug, and when your brain doesn't function correctly, you don't function as you normally would."

Then I discovered, "hm, I don't remember a lot about alcohol's effects on the brain."

Yay for the Internet. I started with a general search about alcohol's effects and found a nice "Beginner's Guide" article. While the reliability of this source is questionable, I found the following short term effects most interesting--information that is no different than anything I've heard before:

• Impaired Judgment
• Inability to Make Rational Decisions
• Loss of Coordination

I find it interesting that no matter the source, the effects of alcohol become more and more negative with each passing drink. Even if people "seem" happier or "feel" better, every scientific resource describes the effects of alcohol on a person with a negative correlation: the more alcohol, the less benefits--as opposed to: the more drinks the better. In other words, I've never seen any positive statements about alcohol usage past the point where it relaxes you. Yet, it intrigues me how even in this state, judgment is impaired (Mind you, this is said to be the state of mind after about 3 drinks). More negative!

All that aside, I kept finding my distracting feelings reverting to my boyfriend. My thoughts kept pushing them aside: "stop it! he's responsible!" I switched gears and decided I needed to find out exactly what "responsible drinking" meant.

I expected to find different descriptions of "responsible" per different occasions: i.e.: "responsible drinking" would have a different definition for a wedding reception than it would for a dinner party. What I found was that no matter what, "responsible" was across the board. I was shocked when this was confirmed by a website from the UK: men should have no more than 2-3 drinks a day, and women should have no more than 1-2 drinks a day. (Now I realize that the effects a number of drinks have on a person depends on many other factors, but for simplicity's sake, I'll just be referring to the numbers provided.)

Here I was faced with facts that "responsible drinking" entailed anywhere from 1-3 drinks. Therefore, I concluded that if you drink more than 3 drinks, you are being irresponsible. But could this really be true? Hmm, what does "responsible" mean, anyway?

Well, my good friend Dictionary.com has a multitude of definitions. The first one states:

Responsible: answerable or accountable, as for something within one's power, control, or management

Hmm, so irresponsible would mean being unanswerable or unaccountable or out of control. Right? Pretty much:

Irresponsible: said, done, or characterized by a lack of a sense of responsibility

Alright, so an irresponsible person can't really answer anything because the answers don't matter if the person can't be accountable for them; if the person can't be accountable, then he or she probably can't be trusted on his or her own behalf, or on the behalf of others, especially if the irresponsible person is one who is also out of control.

Why did this sound familiar? Wasn't I only looking at some of the effects of alcohol just before this? What were they again?

• Impaired Judgment--hmm, sounds like the impaired ability to judge, make a statement about something, answer a question...
  
• Inability to Make Rational Decisions--hmm, sounds like irrationality...
  
• Loss of Coordination--hmm, doesn't to coordinate mean to control something in a way? sounds like loss of control...

Wow. I found myself not able to think of things any other way: more than 3 drinks = irresponsible.

But, come on now, why the heck was I looking for information in the first place? That's right, I wanted to know alcohol's effects on the brain.

Alright, the brain. I remember that from fourth grade--cerebellum, cerebrum...uh...

Okay, so I needed to learn more about the parts of the brain and their individual functions. I found a simple picture that had simple descriptions of each section. I was particularly drawn to the functions listed in the frontal lobe: personality, motor skills, emotions, problem solving, and reasoning.

Phew--that seems like a lot! Especially when seeing personality, emotions, and reasoning, I felt like this is, like, everything there is to being human. I remember getting particularly caught on "reasoning" relating that to "intellect" as well as "problem solving," relating that to "making choices."

Now, I tend to look at things with a religious tone to see if it falls in line with science. Bear with me for one second if you aren't into that sort of thing: I remember learning that God gave humans two gifts to set us apart from all other creations: intellect and free will. In a secular sense, I would say these would be the same aspects that set humans apart from animals.

In fact, scientists agree that the frontal lobes of the brain are the "essence of what makes us human." A study conducted by the Center for Neuro Skills was shocking confirmation for this hunch:

"A new study has found the strongest evidence yet that what sets humans apart from other primates may be found in the brain's frontal lobes.."

With the frontal lobes being so important to our very humanity, I could only assume that they would be one of the last areas of the brain to be affected by alcohol, right?

Wrong. The frontal lobe is the first area of the brain affected by alcohol. How many drinks did we say did it take for the frontal lobe's functioning to start failing (see above if you forgot)? Even an online alcohol joke agrees with the 3rd drink being the last before craziness.

So, now I was at this point: frontal lobes = essence of humanity; irresponsible drinking = effects to frontal lobe; getting drunk = willingly sacrificing what makes you human.

So, getting drunk means choosing to be more of a monkey than the rational, intellectual human you were designed to be. I could write ten more pages about the ethics in choosing to do this, which are often overlooked when it's so common for someone to say, "here, take my keys, and make sure you don't give them back to me later." Can you translate that request for me? "Here, take my keys since I will be willingly sacrificing that which designates me as human and won't be able to drive." Sorry...tangent...

Hm, no wonder I was upset when my boyfriend called me drunk. It made me feel like I was in love with a monkey.

PS: Because I realize how crazy all this sounds, I thought I'd check my feeble "reasoning" with a lawyer from Ireland. His response? "Well, that's the craziest thing I've ever heard. I can't say I agree with it, but I can't deny your logic, either. Um, yeah, I have no argument."

This didn't help me to feel any less attached to my crazy antics. Is insanity a quality of ACOAs? Maybe we should add that to the list of characteristics...

In any event, if you are an ACOA and you have made the decision to use little to no alcohol, don't feel inferior to the monkeys. If you are an ACOA who is fine with using alcohol, please, be responsible, and be aware that as an ACOA, you are four times as likely to become an alcoholic.

Good luck in all your endeavors this week!

All my love to YOU! (yep, you!)

Products are Made; People are Created

So, I guess when one of the characteristics of ACOAs is having difficulty getting things done, they aren't kidding.

I apologize for being late; finding Pacman on Facebook has not done good things for me!

Anyway, this past weekend, my two "very best friends" came to visit me for the first time since I moved from home about four and a half years ago. They've known me since kindergarten and second grade, respectively.

The weekend ended up being hard for me in that I found out my friends continue to change, but seemingly not for the better. Here, they came to visit in order to make me feel better about stuff going on, when really, I think they may have made me feel worse.

At one point, we were talking about the "accent" of the city I live in, and how some people have it very pronounced, while others don't seem to have it at all. I speculated that it had to do with the type of schooling people had, and whether or not they had Phonics, whereas one of my friends concluded: "Really, it just depends on your parents, and what you were surrounded with growing up. That's what shapes you as a person altogether, really."

This got me thinking.

I've always been one to preach that we needn't be a product of our surroundings. I've especially said this when others feel sorry for themselves for their upbringing and how they feel that, for some reason, it might keep them from becoming who they want to be.

I say: no. We are autonomous beings--we are able to make our own decisions and educate ourselves. I use the example of my parents--two incredibly intelligent and talented engineers gone completely worthless thanks to alcoholism--and how I REFUSE to be like them. This decision, in and of itself, could arguably be the same thing as becoming a product, in the sense of allowing the situation to shape my decisions. But for point's sake, and for the sake of not getting too philosophical, I would say that being a "product" is being the totality of many pieces--something that's manufactured. Therefore, if I were a product of my surrounding, I would be much more similar to my parents than I am today.

However, the more I learn about ACOAs, the more I wonder if we are wired to be the cause of our seemingly inevitable demise. It seems that unless one happens to stumble upon some sort of resource, that person will turn out to be a product of the surroundings, even in the midst of the decision to live an opposite lifestyle. What's more disheartening is that even if you are able to stumble upon resources, they simply label all the ways your are contributing to your own demise. Ugh!

I guess my real question is this: how much of our backgrounds play a part in who we are as people, aside from what we are as ACOAs? How much of a role do surroundings play a part in anyone's life as a person comes into full creation and being? What about the purpose of autonomy?

I guess I ask this because there comes a time when we want to hold other people's lives/upbringing against them because it is different from that of our own. They might "not understand" they probably "can't relate" and surely have "no idea" the kind of struggles we have in our lives. But is it right to hold that against them and then make decisions about our relationship with these people based on our own upbringing? That seems hypocritical...

Are we truly escaping from our past so as to evolve into our own, or are we just letting it add to the pieces that might formulate us as a product?

The only stopping point I can come to is this: products are manufactured; people are created. To be a product is to allow the mechanics of our lives to run their course and determine our every move and decision...to live our life as ACOAs and only that. However, to live as a person is to live as a Child of God, who created us. Isn't this related to the "second step"? I think it's something like, "accepted that there is a Higher Power greater than us that can restore our sanity..." Well, accept this Higher Power, and start living for it. Make decisions in your life according to God's Will--recognize the fears and difficulties that may come from our backgrounds as ACOAs, but use them as a point from which to transcend to have a life God wants for you...

... a happy one.

No personal destruction, no manufacturing, only the realization of you as a creation outside of anything having to do with alcoholism at all.

Let's recognize how the past may have affected us, but refuse to let it make us who we are.

I love you.

Sum of Parts?

~>~> Sorry, I'm tardy! This will be updated later today. Topic: being a product of one's surroundings. Check back tonight or tomorrow!<~<~<~<

Recovery

From Dictionary.com (one of my favorite sites):

Recover: to cover again or anew

Simple enough. The word that peaks my interest most is "anew." I realized this is the aspect that relates most to myself as an ACOA.

When I hear the word, "recovery," I immediately think of those trying to cope with some sort of addiction. This always frustrated me when learning about ACOAs. I found that, as the statistics show, most of the ACOAs quoted in my resources were alcoholics themselves. This made me angry, because I felt like I couldn't relate, or that the information was somehow skewed, because I was not actively coping or struggling with a personal substance abuse issue.

However, in this past week I've come to accept that I too am in "recovery." You are in recovery, too. We are recovering from others' problems that have caused a multitude of our own. Dammit...

The problem with many ACOAs, especially those who grew up with alcoholism in their families from the start (such as myself), is that we have no sense of "normality" to regain. We have to discover this state of affairs on our own--to cover something anew, so to speak. This is harder than I thought, and I'm sure you're finding out the same, too.

Based on recent occurrences in my relationships, I realized that reading one book on ACOA wasn't going to cut it. Of course, being financially strained does not help the situation when you need to buy books on the subject. But then I remembered that great source: the library. One book that I found particularly interesting was Lifeskills for Adult Children by Janet G. Woititz and Alan Garner. When I looked at the table of contents, I realized just how seriously growing up without an example could hinder our lives. While I don't feel I relate to all of these struggles, I wonder if some of you do:

1. Making Contact With Others
2. Expressing Feelings
3. Active Listening
4. Asking For What You Want
5. Giving Others What They Want
6. Solving Problems
7. Asking Others To Change Their Behavior
8. Handling Criticism
9. Establishing And Defending Boundaries
10. Fighting Fair
11. Ending Conversations, Ending Visits
12. Ending Relationships

Each chapter appears to have specific examples of how to handle "normal" situations in life. When I skimmed through the first chapter and saw a list of common conversation starters, I thought, "Jeez, this is really pathetic, I don't need this." But then I realized, wow...but some people do. It's like we're a bunch of 4-year-olds walking around in adult bodies trying to figure out how the world works...but with no one to show us.

Recently, it seems that my largest struggle is expressing my feelings. More of a struggle than that, though, is actually identifying them. My famous response to the question, "How are you?" was always, "I'm okay." Even when people would comment, "You don't look okay," I'd come back with, "Well, I'm alive, so I'm okay. It's when I'd be unable to breathe, move, or speak to you that I'd consider myself 'not okay.'" This was always the case, whether I was truly angry, sad, frustrated, happy, etc...I was just "okay."

I've been practicing the act of being honest with my feelings over the past few years when it comes to these sorts of greetings--usually because when the question is posed is the only time I consciously think about it: "How are you?" or "How're you doing?"I think this is a great start, because these are greetings that we so easily brush off. Try it: next time someone greets you in this way, say how you honestly feel, it's good practice for us ACOAs who have traces of being pathological liars. "Eh, I'm kinda bummed out about something right now," is a perfectly fine answer.

Of course, the trick is carrying this act through our entire life. I realized recently that I was not being honest in my relationships about a lot of my feelings. For instance, when I was discussing the idea of dating my now-boyfriend (non-ACOA, religious, faithful, hard-working, smart, loving...just an amazing guy) I was able to voice that "I have unknown struggles with alcohol, and I don't know how I'll really feel or react to your use of it. I recognize that alcohol is not evil, that people who use alcohol are not bad, and that I have been shaped by having examples of its abuse rule my life, but I still feel uncomfortable around it. It's something I've realized is going to take me a long time to get over..." Yay for me and my honesty! Of course, whenever he went out with his friends, or if I was with him and his family, I never said that his drinking of one or two beers was still bothersome to me. I also didn't tell him that I cried myself to sleep the handful of times he called me or visited me in a happy, drunken state. Why? Because I didn't feel like I had the right to feel like the way I did, considering he was doing nothing "wrong." He is a responsible (mostly), occasional, social drinker, and yet it KILLED/S ME!

Of course, I'm starting to ramble (take note of the title of this blog) and I'm trying to take on too much in this single post, but the point is that I exploded after two years of just pretending like I was okay, and it has made things even more difficult. Moral: START PRACTICING BEING HONEST WITH YOUR FEELINGS.

Of course, like I said, a whole other aspect of this is being able to identify those feelings. This is where I'm currently stuck. For instance, last night my boyfriend met up with some of his old friends from college at a local bar (I was not present). I talked to him afterwards and asked him some questions about the evening. At one point I asked, "Did you have anything to drink?" "I had one beer," he said. Then he asked, "Does that bother you?" My answer was, "Yes and no. In my head it doesn't bother me--there's nothing wrong about what you did. But, emotionally, I feel like you having that beer is a punch in my face." "Why do you feel like it's a punch in your face?" he asked. "...*sigh*...I...don't....know...." I guess I need to read through chapter 2 very slowly...

Recovery: "The act of obtaining usable substances from unusable sources"

Our parent(s) may have been an unusable source. Our recovery is to find something useful to take away from the situation in order to build upon it and create anew the "normal" we never had. Basically, we are left to create something from nothing, which would mean literally breaking the laws of science. Well, we have feelings...I guess that's a place to start. Let's work to find out what they are, and how to use them to our advantage...even if that advantage is just to learn more about ourselves.
__________________________

Random(I'll do this from time to time): I feel like I made a large step in my "recovery" today. I finally looked up support groups and finally found my first ACOA meetings. I realized I had been looking in the wrong place all along. Here is the link to find ACOA meetings. Search for Al-Anon and look for titles with "AAC" for ACOA-specific groups. I found two potential locations. I sent two emails asking for more information. As someone who has had awful experiences with counseling over the years, and has completely discarded the idea of recovery support groups, I wonder if I'll be able to bring myself to go...